An excerpt from the new book/film, "Healer", by Bill and Britain Vanderbush
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I know blood. I know its smell, its taste, its consistency. The way blood thickens when exposed to air and time. The way its shiny wet red turns to dull dry brown. The way it moves like water when it’s thin, and the warmth it maintains as it flows from within your skin to carve a pattern upon your face, your brow, your back, your hand. I love watching people’s reaction to the sight of blood. That’s intoxicating for me and I find myself left with an often inappropriate uncontrollable grin that I’ll try to erase quickly. Horror, surprise, sympathy, and the ever present cringe. Everyone’s cringe is unique. For some their cringe is out and out nausea. For the tough it’s a barely wrinkled crows foot in one eye. Some people cross their arms covering their elbows. Some find a place to sit clutching their legs behind the knees. Some just cover their faces leaving small parts between their fingers because they just can’t look away. I think it’s because watching the reality of what’s happening is actually better than the horror they imagine when they close their eyes. That’s why the people who can actually turn away and feel better about what they can’t see may be the pure in heart, or at least mind. When the horror of reality is more tame than the mind’s capacity to conjure imaginary gore, you may need a therapist.
Some reactions have a soundtrack. It may sound like a nervous laugh, a hiss as air is sucked through clenched teeth, or an expletive that both cuts and enhances the tension. It’s cut because it articulates what everyone’s thinking when they see the person before them become a leaking biohazard who is not to be envied. It’s enhanced because, depending on the expletive, a degree of seriousness has now been implied to the situation. It’s the screaming reaction that I can’t handle. That and a crying child. I hate the thought that a child may witness something in this moment that marks their psyche for life, rendering them speechless and incoherent for the duration of the trauma.
But personally, for me, It’s all about the pain. I’m not sure which is worse. The pain of a blade slicing through flesh, or the pain of an ache in your heart. No, it’s much deeper than that. The soul? Still not deep enough. Yet there’s this need, this appetite, because my pain can take away someone else’s. It’s strange how this gift turns you into a philosopher, and what is a philosopher except a person with more questions than can be answered in a thousand lifetimes? And I have questions. Lots of them.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I'm back! =)
Wow!..... It's been so long since I wrote on here. Thought it might be about time I start blogging again. :)
The last time I wrote, it was about four or five months ago, and I was crazy. It's amazing to think about how much life has changed since then. God has done so many amazing things in the last few months! =) I am at a point in my life where I am happier than I have ever been and I am completely lost in love and Jesus. Right now, there are very few things in my life that I would change. :)
Let me give you a quick update of what's happened these last few months.
Back in April, Joanie, Desiree and I randomly got to spend a day together. :) My dad was preaching for the chapel at their school in San Marcos and I decided to go with him. :) I was invited to go with a group to tour the Texas State Campus afterwards and my dad let me go. It was the perfect set ups for one of the most beautiful days of my life. I cherish and adore it even now. Long story short, I jumped in the van with Joanie and Dezz, we took off for the campus and had a blast! It was the first time we ACTUALLY got to have Chai Lattes together! =D And oh my God, I was so happy. We walked around the campus with our Starbucks for a while, and then we came across something a little..... crazy. There was a man who was standing on a platform in front of a large statue of a horse. He was yelling to a crowd of people. In one hand he held a Bible. And in the other, a human skull. "He's probably some doomsday preacher or something," Desiree said jokingly as we approached. We walked toward them only to find out that... he WAS. My heart sank instantly as his words reached my ears. He was yelling. He was shouting. He was beating people down and he was.... "Doing it for the Lord??"
"Hold this," I said, and handed Desiree my two Starbucks drinks. I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout, I wanted to dance and I wanted to cry. So many emotions filled me as I walked toward the man. But the thing that filled me most was Heaven. And Love... I stepped up beside the man and wrapped my arms around him. He froze for a moment and then pushed me away. I wasn't there to argue. I wasn't there to cause trouble, though he was. So I sat and spoke what truth I knew about a God who is more beautiful and more loving than even we can imagine or comprehend. I spoke to the crowd and told them about how much He loved them. How He thought that they were beautiful..... That lead to us spending an hour ministering and interceding for the people around us. The people on the campus.
Desiree, Jo, and I walked down the river afterwards. Desiree upset. Tears in Joanie's eyes. Their compassion was beautiful. It always is. I have grown to love these girls so much since then...... I can't tell you how much they mean to me. That day was the beginning of something new. Something beautiful. I remember so much of this day that if I described every detail, I could write a small book, but for your sake, I will make it short.
After we got back to the house, we all crashed on Desiree's bed and Joanie and I fell asleep for a little while. Birdy came over and we all hung out and ate a lunch that Pam made for us. It was the perfect way to spend a Wednesday. We got to talk about life and Jesus stuff... I don't know how many times we told the story of our Texas State Experience.
After youth that night, Chris Birkhimer (their youth pastor) gave me a ride home. Joanie, Desiree, and Timothy Darnell came along. We listened to Muse on the way and..... It was just a beautiful night. :) One that I won't ever forget.
I have fallen more in love in the last few months than I thought I could. Looking ahead from five months back, I wouldn't have seen myself in this place. But still.... God always had a plan. And there is no other place that I would rather be. Life is more beautiful now than I could have imagined it would be and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
I wish I could say more. I wish I could write more, but I should get going. I'll tell you about the last 2 crazy months soon! I have four hours to record this song and I better get started! :)
Joanie Anderson, if you're reading this, I love you and miss you more than you could possibly know. Thank you for being there every second. When I need someone to pick me up, you're there. When I need someone to spill my guts out to, you're there. You're always there... And I love you more than you could possibly know. There's no smile that can light up my day like yours does. Thank you for being my best friend. Come home soon. I love you.
-Brit
The last time I wrote, it was about four or five months ago, and I was crazy. It's amazing to think about how much life has changed since then. God has done so many amazing things in the last few months! =) I am at a point in my life where I am happier than I have ever been and I am completely lost in love and Jesus. Right now, there are very few things in my life that I would change. :)
Let me give you a quick update of what's happened these last few months.
Back in April, Joanie, Desiree and I randomly got to spend a day together. :) My dad was preaching for the chapel at their school in San Marcos and I decided to go with him. :) I was invited to go with a group to tour the Texas State Campus afterwards and my dad let me go. It was the perfect set ups for one of the most beautiful days of my life. I cherish and adore it even now. Long story short, I jumped in the van with Joanie and Dezz, we took off for the campus and had a blast! It was the first time we ACTUALLY got to have Chai Lattes together! =D And oh my God, I was so happy. We walked around the campus with our Starbucks for a while, and then we came across something a little..... crazy. There was a man who was standing on a platform in front of a large statue of a horse. He was yelling to a crowd of people. In one hand he held a Bible. And in the other, a human skull. "He's probably some doomsday preacher or something," Desiree said jokingly as we approached. We walked toward them only to find out that... he WAS. My heart sank instantly as his words reached my ears. He was yelling. He was shouting. He was beating people down and he was.... "Doing it for the Lord??"
"Hold this," I said, and handed Desiree my two Starbucks drinks. I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout, I wanted to dance and I wanted to cry. So many emotions filled me as I walked toward the man. But the thing that filled me most was Heaven. And Love... I stepped up beside the man and wrapped my arms around him. He froze for a moment and then pushed me away. I wasn't there to argue. I wasn't there to cause trouble, though he was. So I sat and spoke what truth I knew about a God who is more beautiful and more loving than even we can imagine or comprehend. I spoke to the crowd and told them about how much He loved them. How He thought that they were beautiful..... That lead to us spending an hour ministering and interceding for the people around us. The people on the campus.
Desiree, Jo, and I walked down the river afterwards. Desiree upset. Tears in Joanie's eyes. Their compassion was beautiful. It always is. I have grown to love these girls so much since then...... I can't tell you how much they mean to me. That day was the beginning of something new. Something beautiful. I remember so much of this day that if I described every detail, I could write a small book, but for your sake, I will make it short.
After we got back to the house, we all crashed on Desiree's bed and Joanie and I fell asleep for a little while. Birdy came over and we all hung out and ate a lunch that Pam made for us. It was the perfect way to spend a Wednesday. We got to talk about life and Jesus stuff... I don't know how many times we told the story of our Texas State Experience.
After youth that night, Chris Birkhimer (their youth pastor) gave me a ride home. Joanie, Desiree, and Timothy Darnell came along. We listened to Muse on the way and..... It was just a beautiful night. :) One that I won't ever forget.
I have fallen more in love in the last few months than I thought I could. Looking ahead from five months back, I wouldn't have seen myself in this place. But still.... God always had a plan. And there is no other place that I would rather be. Life is more beautiful now than I could have imagined it would be and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
I wish I could say more. I wish I could write more, but I should get going. I'll tell you about the last 2 crazy months soon! I have four hours to record this song and I better get started! :)
Joanie Anderson, if you're reading this, I love you and miss you more than you could possibly know. Thank you for being there every second. When I need someone to pick me up, you're there. When I need someone to spill my guts out to, you're there. You're always there... And I love you more than you could possibly know. There's no smile that can light up my day like yours does. Thank you for being my best friend. Come home soon. I love you.
-Brit
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