The way I'm feeling.

You totally don't have to read this. I am just writing this for myself. But totally, read it if you want to. Right now it is 1:30 am, I just got back from California and I can't sleep because I have way too many thoughts going through my head right now. I'm just going to write.

So. These last two weeks have been absolutely amazing... God has set up everything in such an incredible way. I could never thank Him enough for all He's done... It's incredible. Truly incredible. My faith has probably grown more in these last couple of weeks than it has my entire life. I need more of God. At any cost. I need Him. I've felt like there was a part of me these last few months that has been missing. Something I've been needing. Someone I need to become, someone I wanted so badly to be again. I was dying to live again... I've been lost lately, feeling broken, alone, tired, like I wanted to give up. But God has blessed me so much... He's the reason I'm still standing. If I had nothing else, I would still have Him. And I don't know where I'd be without him. Dead probably.

There has been a ton of drama going on at home the last 3 or 4 months... Mostly in my youth group. A lot I've been involved with. More drama and more problems than I ever wanted to have to deal with. And more pain than I ever wanted to feel. I never wanted to feel that pain... I am fine now. God has taken care of me and carried me through everything. God can heal a broken heart. But even now, I feel like there is a part of me that is still missing. And I don't know what it is... I still feel like I'm dying to live again. I know this feeling well now. It's becoming a part of me. And every time I think of what has happened, and every time I experience the feeling, it only pushes me to move forward and do the things that God wants me to do.

With all the drama and stuff that was going on, I just really needed to get away... At the beginning of this year, everything was as perfect as I could have imagined. I woke up every day, thanking God for everything He had done. If you would have asked me then if I felt like my life was perfect, I would have said yes. If you asked me NOW if my life was perfect, you would probably get an answer that would be around two hours long. Just so much happened between May and June. I needed to get away. Long-story-short, (Even though it's probably too late) God opened up a way for me to get to go spend some time in Redding CA. It was SOO refreshing! I needed that trip sooooo bad...

Me and my two friends, Ben and Nathan, flew in late Saturday night, July 25th. I stepped off the plane in Sacramento, knowing that I was on this trip just for God. Just to find HIM. Just to get away from everything that was going on back home and just to leave it all behind for a little while. To change.

I met God on that trip. Again. It's good seeing a friend you haven't talked to in a long time. My prayer since I stepped off the plane that day was that I would look into God's eyes again and see His love for me so that I could fall in total love with Him again.

If you have ever been in love, you would know that talking to someone over text messaging or on the phone doesn't compare to looking that person in the eyes and seeing their smile, even for just a second, and hearing them say, "I love you." It's beautiful...

That's how I felt on this trip. Like God had been so far away and we were just sending each other these little messages, and when I walked into Bethel Church that Sunday morning, I felt like I was looking into His eyes and seeing him face to face, once again.

I went up to the very front on Sunday morning and before worship had even started, I was already standing there in tears, worshiping, falling in love with God again. Looking at all the things that had happened the last few months and what a mess it had been and how even now, it was still affecting me. But God was there...

I stood there thinking, Since the beginning of this year, I fell in love with one of the most amazing, beautiful girls on the planet, I prayed for so many sick people and saw them healed, I felt the fire and presence of God on me almost every day, I lived the life of a revivalist and I knew deep down within me, that maybe... just maybe... One day, I just might change the world. And now... All that is gone... I lost one thing and it caused me to lose every other good thing I had... And now here I am. I've come half way across the country just to find YOU. I need YOU. I cant live like this. I say I've moved on, but every day, something reminds me. The memories and the moments from those times replay over and over in my mind and I so wish to live them again... I need You...

And this last week, I have found Him... And I missed Him. I needed this trip so much, and it most definitely has been life changing.

The things I thought about then still haunt me even now. They still cloud my mind, making me dream and wish that things would have happened differently. And I think... Is what all I went through worth what I am seeing now? I honestly don't know. Because I still wish I could have what I used to. Every day, I am learning more. I am moving forward. We'll see what great things God has prepared for my life... It should be amazing.

Anyways, I just really felt like writing. So there ya go. I had a very amazing week and it is good to be home. Thank You, God. =] I love You.

-Britain