An Inexplicable Love

Why do I love her the way that I do?
You say and you might ask
I can't give you an answer but my love is true
I promise you that it will last

It's the way that her smile lights up my day
It's the way that I see her eyes shine
It's the feeling I get when she's walking my way
It won't fade away even with time

It's the way that we laugh in those moments together
When nothing else fills our minds
It's the way that she smiles when as lightly as a feather
She slips her hands into mine

It's these reasons that I can't stop thinking about her
Every moment that we are apart
It's the way that she stepped back into my life
And the way that she's stolen my heart

I know you might disagree with me
Thinking about how I'm so absurd
But before I go on, please continue to read
Let me finish with just these few words


So why this love that overtakes me
And makes me want to shout?
Go ahead, you can tell me I'm crazy
But this is what I'm all about

You can dream what you want
Think you know love and use away all of your charm
You haven't enough
Cause you'll never know love
Until you have held an angel in your arms

Now listen closely and don't turn your head
Think about this and all that you've read
As you read what I write, before I depart
I hope you have caught a glimpse of my heart

For I could find someone to live with
And search the whole world around
But love isn't about who you can live with
It's about who you can't live without



©2010 by Britain Vanderbush

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

I've done everything... I fell for her. I love her more than the air I breathe. I want everything I do to shout I love you. As I hope that it has.
Tonight might have been the last night in over a month that I will see her. She is leaving on a cruise this weekend for her Birthday, and by the time she is back, I will probably be in Florida for a few weeks... I wanted to do something special for her before I left. So we got together with Kayla and her mom tonight at Chuy's. We had a great time. A lot of laughing and joking. Telling stories. But my mind was still focused on what would happen when we were done eating. I would walk out to the car and give her the gifts that I bought and made for her. My mind was on her.
Apparently she met some guy at H.E.B. (I know right. Fantastic.) On Valentine's Day, he made her origami flowers and bought her Lindor Chocolates... I don't know what it was, but something made me insane. H.E.B. boy gets discounts on chocolates and he is suddenly her hero. Hooraaaaay! I don't know... I feel like I've been thrown around so much in the last month or so. One minute I was her closest friend, and the next, I'm out to dinner with her and she is texting HEB boy under the table. I don't know... Maybe it's just because I believe that HEB boy will never love her as much as I do. You know those HEB boys... Tisk tisk. Stupid HEB boys. >.<

Anyways... I found out about this and my mind started going crazy. I needed to show her how much I loved her. Hadn't I done that before? I spent about an hour or two drawing her the most beautiful drawing I could do... It was from the Swan Princess. Kayla always told me that when she was little the Swan Princess was her favorite movie. She said she wanted to be Princess Odette. That hasn't left my mind since the moment she told it to me. I needed something beautiful to give her.
I picked up the most perfect piece of paper I could find, got myself a pencil, plugged in my headphones and turned on City Lights. Then I let the rest of me take over. I drew a large circle in the center of the page, then I drew a line across the middle. I erased the bottom part of the circle, the part that was beneath the line. I began to draw the shape of a girl in the center of the circle. By the time I was done, I had a picture of a couple standing together over water, staring at each other in the light of the moon. At the bottom of the picture, in the very center sat a swan in the water. The most beautiful swan I could draw. I created something beautiful. For someone beautiful...
After that I bought her a beautiful dark rose from a glassblowing shop. It was handmade and when I looked at it I thought of her. I had to buy it for her. So I did. Throughout my day, I found things that I wanted to give to her and I placed them in the bag. I finished I finished it off by buying her sour gummy worms and a dozen of her very favorite white roses. I knew that by the end of the day, she would either love me or hate me. But it was something that I wanted to do for her. I love her more than anyone could ever know. Maybe, if you have been reading this you have caught on to my heart. I hope these words might show you how much I love her. Or at least give you a small feel of what it must be like.

At the end of our meal, my dad gave me the keys to the truck and I walked out to find it with Kayla. And even as I write this, I regret not letting this moment last longer. Time goes by too fast. Sometimes we come across a moment and wish that we could let it linger. This was one of them.
My mind plays so many games with me. Telling me what I should have done. Should have said. Telling me that I should have held her longer. Telling me that I should have whispered "I love you" in her ear that moment that I had the chance. Maybe I should have stared into her eyes just a moment longer. Maybe I should have kissed her before we walked away with all of her gifts. Maybes, ifs, should haves, so many things that run through my mind. I was not thinking at the moment that it might be the last time in a while that I would see her. If I was I might have acted differently. I wish... I wish so many things. I wish it could have lasted longer. I loved the look on her face when I pulled out the roses.
"You said you wanted white roses." I said, and smiled.
"Nuh-uh! Did you seriously get me white roses?" She smiled... God, I love that smile. I'd give so much just to see her face light up like that. I love seeing her happy.

I love her... more than life itself. I would die for her. You can't begin to understand what I feel when I'm around her. I love her... With all of my heart... I won't just love her until death. I will love her long after. I wish that she could see... how much I love her. I wish that she could know how much I care. I wish she could see that no one else could ever feel the same way about her. She stole my heart. And she didn't even have to try.
Now it's up to her. I've given so much of me that I feel like I'm fading away. I don't want her to choose to love me. I want her to love me. If you have to choose to love someone then how is it true love. I don't want her to have to choose. I just want her to know. I never chose to love her and I could never choose not to. I don't love her because I chose to. I just love her because I do. Think about that.

Anyways... I'm gonna go get some rest. I have a headache and I need some sleep... Before I go. I want to say one last thing...
Love is not about who you can live with. It's about who you can't live without. I love you. Goodnight.

February 14th, 2010 2:00AM

Here I am. Deep in thought. It's been a long, slow day and I'm still feeling the same way I did when I got out of bed this morning and wrote what I did.
We have talked today and had hilarious conversations. Every text I get from her is greeted with a smile. For the two weeks after she stayed here, we talked on the phone nearly every other night 30 minutes to an hour every time. It has been almost a month since she was here and I have only seen her a few times since then. We haven't talked on the phone (other than text) since before musical. I would relive that week again just to be there. Where we were. Just to feel her slide her hand into mine under the table as we ate at Texas Land & Cattle, and laughed after the waitor mistook us for husband and wife. X) "Maybe someday," She said as she glanced my way. I do wish she would call as often as she used to. I really love hearing her voice.
Alright, alright, I know I'm obsessing. I'll try to move on. For your sake, if not mine. My thoughts get drawn to her so often. Everything reminds me of her...

On to a different subject! You might be wondering why I am up this late, writing about these things. Well. I'll tell you. Today was Kate's 4th Birthday party. :) Yepp. Little Kate is 4 years old now. I went over to Britany and Steve's house for the party, went straight to Kate, said hi and gave her a big birthday hug. Then headed into the kitchen to get some sweet tea and a plate of nice warm pizza before going to sit on the couch and dive into the Ted Dekker book I am reading at the moment. Infidel. Amazing series so far. I am loving all of Ted's writings. I am 45 pages away from the ending and I planned on finishing it by tonight. I might read a little before I hit the hay tonight. :)
After the party and helping Kate open and set up some of her new toys, we went over to my grandparents house and hung out with them for a while. THAT was a total blast! X) I love my grandparents so much. They are amazing. I really need to start spending more time with them. I love them both dearly.
After leaving their house and stopping by Walmart with mom and Sara, we headed home. Well. When we got home, I went up to my room and got on Facebook. A little while later I hear Sara freaking out about something. Well. Turns out my dog decided to be stupid and chase a skunk! My sister let Sasha in the house and now, obviously, my entire house smells like skunk. So mom and I went to Walmart again to buy some stuff that might get the smell out. We got back a little less than an hour ago. This should all explain why I am still awake, writing my blog, while laying on my bedroom floor in a small circle of candles.
Mmmmmmmmmmm... I really love candlelight. :) it is beautiful. I am so fascinated by fire. All the little things. They seem to fascinate me the most.

I'm not really too sure why I'm writing. I guess just to document the moment. :) So here I am, February 14th, 2010, 2:00am. Writing by candlelight. Thinking about something. About someone. Dreaming like the dreamer that I am.
Well I better get to bed. I love you all. Goodnight world. Sleep peacefully.
-Brit

From My Heart

It's crazy how your mind can be in so many places. One minute you're dreaming about life, friends, your future goals; the next minute your mind is stuck on that girl who you love more than you've loved anyone in your entire life. My mind seems to get stuck there quite a lot. I wait to hear from her every morning. I feel my phone buzz multiple times in my pocket throughout the day and hope for the message I am getting to be one from her.
Sure, there are thousands of other girls I could date. They bombard me with texts every day... But I don't want any of them. If I was with someone else, she would still be on my mind. She is always there.
There have been nights that I couldn't sleep at all because I couldn't stop thinking of her. I've sat awake in the kitchen, cooking or eating, trying to find something that will preoccupy my thoughts because I can't stop thinking of her. And some nights, when I do finally find rest, she appears in my dreams. She is always there...
You can call her my obsession. My drug. My heartbeat. Days I spend without her I feel something missing. I feel empty and alone. Something tells me that we were meant to be together. When somebody says "God designed and made a person in this world just for you, to love, to cherish, to protect, and pursue," why is it that my mind always strays to her. She is the only one I love.
Yes, I know this is a sickness. But if you could feel what I feel, you might understand it. You might not. I would live for her and I would die for her. If I had to choose between breathing and loving her, I would use my last breath to say "I love you." If I had to run around the world twice to win her affection, why wouldn't I do it?
To save her life, I would do anything. Because I love her. If I can't have her I might as well be alone. The thought of dating anyone else, being with anyone else, looking at somebody else sickens me. I can not think of it.
Let me tell you that none of this is exaggeration. Only a love stonger than most know.
I see love when I look into her eyes. I know it's true. Can she see the love that I have for her when we look into each others eyes? Can she feel it? If she could know that love, and begin to want it as much as I do, I get the feeling that the world just might spin the way it used to. The way it was meant to. I love her more than the air I breathe. And I'll be crazy for it as long as I live.