Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

I've done everything... I fell for her. I love her more than the air I breathe. I want everything I do to shout I love you. As I hope that it has.
Tonight might have been the last night in over a month that I will see her. She is leaving on a cruise this weekend for her Birthday, and by the time she is back, I will probably be in Florida for a few weeks... I wanted to do something special for her before I left. So we got together with Kayla and her mom tonight at Chuy's. We had a great time. A lot of laughing and joking. Telling stories. But my mind was still focused on what would happen when we were done eating. I would walk out to the car and give her the gifts that I bought and made for her. My mind was on her.
Apparently she met some guy at H.E.B. (I know right. Fantastic.) On Valentine's Day, he made her origami flowers and bought her Lindor Chocolates... I don't know what it was, but something made me insane. H.E.B. boy gets discounts on chocolates and he is suddenly her hero. Hooraaaaay! I don't know... I feel like I've been thrown around so much in the last month or so. One minute I was her closest friend, and the next, I'm out to dinner with her and she is texting HEB boy under the table. I don't know... Maybe it's just because I believe that HEB boy will never love her as much as I do. You know those HEB boys... Tisk tisk. Stupid HEB boys. >.<

Anyways... I found out about this and my mind started going crazy. I needed to show her how much I loved her. Hadn't I done that before? I spent about an hour or two drawing her the most beautiful drawing I could do... It was from the Swan Princess. Kayla always told me that when she was little the Swan Princess was her favorite movie. She said she wanted to be Princess Odette. That hasn't left my mind since the moment she told it to me. I needed something beautiful to give her.
I picked up the most perfect piece of paper I could find, got myself a pencil, plugged in my headphones and turned on City Lights. Then I let the rest of me take over. I drew a large circle in the center of the page, then I drew a line across the middle. I erased the bottom part of the circle, the part that was beneath the line. I began to draw the shape of a girl in the center of the circle. By the time I was done, I had a picture of a couple standing together over water, staring at each other in the light of the moon. At the bottom of the picture, in the very center sat a swan in the water. The most beautiful swan I could draw. I created something beautiful. For someone beautiful...
After that I bought her a beautiful dark rose from a glassblowing shop. It was handmade and when I looked at it I thought of her. I had to buy it for her. So I did. Throughout my day, I found things that I wanted to give to her and I placed them in the bag. I finished I finished it off by buying her sour gummy worms and a dozen of her very favorite white roses. I knew that by the end of the day, she would either love me or hate me. But it was something that I wanted to do for her. I love her more than anyone could ever know. Maybe, if you have been reading this you have caught on to my heart. I hope these words might show you how much I love her. Or at least give you a small feel of what it must be like.

At the end of our meal, my dad gave me the keys to the truck and I walked out to find it with Kayla. And even as I write this, I regret not letting this moment last longer. Time goes by too fast. Sometimes we come across a moment and wish that we could let it linger. This was one of them.
My mind plays so many games with me. Telling me what I should have done. Should have said. Telling me that I should have held her longer. Telling me that I should have whispered "I love you" in her ear that moment that I had the chance. Maybe I should have stared into her eyes just a moment longer. Maybe I should have kissed her before we walked away with all of her gifts. Maybes, ifs, should haves, so many things that run through my mind. I was not thinking at the moment that it might be the last time in a while that I would see her. If I was I might have acted differently. I wish... I wish so many things. I wish it could have lasted longer. I loved the look on her face when I pulled out the roses.
"You said you wanted white roses." I said, and smiled.
"Nuh-uh! Did you seriously get me white roses?" She smiled... God, I love that smile. I'd give so much just to see her face light up like that. I love seeing her happy.

I love her... more than life itself. I would die for her. You can't begin to understand what I feel when I'm around her. I love her... With all of my heart... I won't just love her until death. I will love her long after. I wish that she could see... how much I love her. I wish that she could know how much I care. I wish she could see that no one else could ever feel the same way about her. She stole my heart. And she didn't even have to try.
Now it's up to her. I've given so much of me that I feel like I'm fading away. I don't want her to choose to love me. I want her to love me. If you have to choose to love someone then how is it true love. I don't want her to have to choose. I just want her to know. I never chose to love her and I could never choose not to. I don't love her because I chose to. I just love her because I do. Think about that.

Anyways... I'm gonna go get some rest. I have a headache and I need some sleep... Before I go. I want to say one last thing...
Love is not about who you can live with. It's about who you can't live without. I love you. Goodnight.