I just finished and posted part 2 of DREAMS. Check them out, comment and tell me what you think.
Click here to read Part 1!
Click here to read Part 2!
I'm sorry if part 2 is kind of rough. I wrote it and didn't have time to read over it. I'll check it out in the morning and see what I think. Maybe do some editing. But I want YOUR opinion! So help me out by reading. :) Thanks.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
So sad... And so true.
It's hard to lose someone who you'd bleed yourself dry for.
I'll write more eventually.
I'll write more eventually.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
God, my life is insane... Crazy, wonderful, awful, amazing... So many things I wish I could change.
Well... Here I am again. It's been a crazy... a very crazy week. Very good and very bad. My life is perfect but such a mess and I am trying to keep from falling apart. For the most part, I'm doing okay... Okay. I'll start with Saturday.
I woke up, looked out my window and stared into a winter wonderland. It had snowed the night before and everything was covered in white. The wind would blow and snow would fall from the trees. It was beautiful. I went outside, ran around the town, played with the snow, and then spent the rest of the day making a video about me and my snowball, which was quite a lot of fun. lol It's a love story. I uploaded it on Youtube. Here it is if you want to check it out.
SUNDAY was alright... Dad preached at the Country Church and had me and Sara get up and each say something quick at the end. I got up and gave a quick word over the church and the people. Later, we went to lunch at the Pizza Ranch and went back home.
MONDAY... was not such a good day.. At all. Mostly stayed home and did nothing Monday morning. It snowed a little bit Monday night. I had nothing else to do and I thought it would go good with the snow so I turned on Edward Scissorhands. Love that movie! It is so good... Anyways... I finished watching the movie and went and got on the computer. Pretty much every time I would get on, I would go to Chelsie's blog to see if she had written anything new. Well... She had... Even just reading the first words broke my heart.. "Why the hell? Why can't I do anything right? Why can't I be normal..." It went on forever. Talking about how she can't do anything right... How she hates her life... Reading it, my heart broke for her. I couldn't help but tear up reading it. Especially when it came to the part where she said we were through... especially when she said she couldn't talk to or see me anymore... Especially when she said she loved me but it couldn't go on or we would both get hurt... I'd do anything to make her happy. I'd do anything just to see the smile on her face. I do love her... And I do care for her.... I hate being a thousand miles away. I can't stand it.
I stayed up until 3 that night, writing her messages, commenting on her blog, I tried calling her twice and ended up leaving her messages... But no... It's over.... She doesn't want anything to do with me, she doesn't want to see me, she doesn't want to talk to me... Nothing is as perfect as it was... If I could go back in time, I would... If I could have everything stay the say it was just a month or two ago, I would...
I wish I could go back to the moment we both sat side by side at Camp Tejas, watching the sun come up over the lake. We both got up at 5 in the morning to meet each other at the lake. It was when we first met... We met there, and we sat and talked until the sun came up. It was beautiful.
I wish I could go back and feel what I felt every time I was with her when we first talked about dating.
I wish I could go back to her birthday, Sunday morning, September 13th. Me and Shannon secretly had a cake made with a picture of me and Chelsie on it. Chelsie was upset when I first showed up at church. I walked down to the tree, met her there and I held her. Then I asked her if she wanted her birthday present. I reached into my backpack and pulled out an Itunes gift card, a Shiny new nickle (That she asked me for), a note that I wrote her, a pack of Sour Skittles (One of her favorite candies) and a white teddy bear that I picked out just for her... I wish I could go back to that moment and see the smile on her face the second that I gave it all to her.
I wish I could go back to the moment we snuck away together to the pond during youth and watched the sun go down.
But sometimes it just seems that there are more wishes than there are stars...
I've made so many wishes. I dream that they will come true. But I guess I'm just a dreamer... I don't know. I honestly don't know what my life is going to be like. I know how I'd want it to be. But how I want it to be is so much different than it is.
Somehow I almost feel like this is a good thing with me being so far away... But this isn't at all how I wanted it to be. This is exactly what I wanted not to happen before I left. I was afraid of this... I don't know... The only girl I want to be with besides Chelsie is off running after some other guy. We still talk a lot and I love her as a friend. She is such a sweet girl and I care about her so much. If she does end up dating this guy, I hope that he's good to her. Anyways... I shouldn't even be thinking about dating right now... I can't even think about it. So yeah, that was the worst part of my week.
TUESDAY... I barely lived through.
WEDNESDAY was absolutely amazing. My mom had talked on Facebook to Reza Borchardt. He is a crazy awesome super famous magician I have been wanting to meet for a long time.
This is him. You can check out more of his videos on Youtube.
So we drove down there and met him at his warehouse and he gave me a tour, showed me a bunch of his illusions and we sat and talked for a long time. I ended up hanging out with him for a full 3 hours. It was awesome. He is such a great guy. And an AWESOME magician! He gave me some very good pointers and talked to me about putting together a show. It was very cool. i was so glad I got to meet him. Anyways.. Yesterday was awesome.
RIGHT NOW, I am sitting on the floor at the house, watching Evan Almighty. Such a good movie.
Granddad got home from the hospital today for the first time in a long time. It's good to see him back at home... I love it here but I think I'll be ready to get back to Texas soon. The reason I really wanted to go back was to be with Chelsie... I guess that's not on the list anymore... Anyway... I'm gonna go... do something. Goodbye for now people... I don't even know if anybody reads this but... goodnight.
I woke up, looked out my window and stared into a winter wonderland. It had snowed the night before and everything was covered in white. The wind would blow and snow would fall from the trees. It was beautiful. I went outside, ran around the town, played with the snow, and then spent the rest of the day making a video about me and my snowball, which was quite a lot of fun. lol It's a love story. I uploaded it on Youtube. Here it is if you want to check it out.
SUNDAY was alright... Dad preached at the Country Church and had me and Sara get up and each say something quick at the end. I got up and gave a quick word over the church and the people. Later, we went to lunch at the Pizza Ranch and went back home.
MONDAY... was not such a good day.. At all. Mostly stayed home and did nothing Monday morning. It snowed a little bit Monday night. I had nothing else to do and I thought it would go good with the snow so I turned on Edward Scissorhands. Love that movie! It is so good... Anyways... I finished watching the movie and went and got on the computer. Pretty much every time I would get on, I would go to Chelsie's blog to see if she had written anything new. Well... She had... Even just reading the first words broke my heart.. "Why the hell? Why can't I do anything right? Why can't I be normal..." It went on forever. Talking about how she can't do anything right... How she hates her life... Reading it, my heart broke for her. I couldn't help but tear up reading it. Especially when it came to the part where she said we were through... especially when she said she couldn't talk to or see me anymore... Especially when she said she loved me but it couldn't go on or we would both get hurt... I'd do anything to make her happy. I'd do anything just to see the smile on her face. I do love her... And I do care for her.... I hate being a thousand miles away. I can't stand it.
I stayed up until 3 that night, writing her messages, commenting on her blog, I tried calling her twice and ended up leaving her messages... But no... It's over.... She doesn't want anything to do with me, she doesn't want to see me, she doesn't want to talk to me... Nothing is as perfect as it was... If I could go back in time, I would... If I could have everything stay the say it was just a month or two ago, I would...
I wish I could go back to the moment we both sat side by side at Camp Tejas, watching the sun come up over the lake. We both got up at 5 in the morning to meet each other at the lake. It was when we first met... We met there, and we sat and talked until the sun came up. It was beautiful.
I wish I could go back and feel what I felt every time I was with her when we first talked about dating.
I wish I could go back to her birthday, Sunday morning, September 13th. Me and Shannon secretly had a cake made with a picture of me and Chelsie on it. Chelsie was upset when I first showed up at church. I walked down to the tree, met her there and I held her. Then I asked her if she wanted her birthday present. I reached into my backpack and pulled out an Itunes gift card, a Shiny new nickle (That she asked me for), a note that I wrote her, a pack of Sour Skittles (One of her favorite candies) and a white teddy bear that I picked out just for her... I wish I could go back to that moment and see the smile on her face the second that I gave it all to her.
I wish I could go back to the moment we snuck away together to the pond during youth and watched the sun go down.
But sometimes it just seems that there are more wishes than there are stars...
I've made so many wishes. I dream that they will come true. But I guess I'm just a dreamer... I don't know. I honestly don't know what my life is going to be like. I know how I'd want it to be. But how I want it to be is so much different than it is.
Somehow I almost feel like this is a good thing with me being so far away... But this isn't at all how I wanted it to be. This is exactly what I wanted not to happen before I left. I was afraid of this... I don't know... The only girl I want to be with besides Chelsie is off running after some other guy. We still talk a lot and I love her as a friend. She is such a sweet girl and I care about her so much. If she does end up dating this guy, I hope that he's good to her. Anyways... I shouldn't even be thinking about dating right now... I can't even think about it. So yeah, that was the worst part of my week.
TUESDAY... I barely lived through.
WEDNESDAY was absolutely amazing. My mom had talked on Facebook to Reza Borchardt. He is a crazy awesome super famous magician I have been wanting to meet for a long time.
This is him. You can check out more of his videos on Youtube.
So we drove down there and met him at his warehouse and he gave me a tour, showed me a bunch of his illusions and we sat and talked for a long time. I ended up hanging out with him for a full 3 hours. It was awesome. He is such a great guy. And an AWESOME magician! He gave me some very good pointers and talked to me about putting together a show. It was very cool. i was so glad I got to meet him. Anyways.. Yesterday was awesome.
RIGHT NOW, I am sitting on the floor at the house, watching Evan Almighty. Such a good movie.
Granddad got home from the hospital today for the first time in a long time. It's good to see him back at home... I love it here but I think I'll be ready to get back to Texas soon. The reason I really wanted to go back was to be with Chelsie... I guess that's not on the list anymore... Anyway... I'm gonna go... do something. Goodbye for now people... I don't even know if anybody reads this but... goodnight.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Risk of Love
Do you remember all the moments
Every word we said
Do I still mean so much to you
Or to you am I just dead
Did I really mean the world to you
Or was it just a fake
Is love a game, a joke, a trade
That we give and take away
Do you think about me the way you did
Or have those thoughts passed away
I still can't help but think about you
Every single day
It's the way you'd cry
You'd laugh
You'd smile
It was the way I held your hand
Moments that we spent together
Now footprints in the sand
Will you let this love all go
Just simply wash away
When the tide comes in and the moon hangs low
The footprints fade away
Is this a love worth fighting for
Do you really care?
Was it all a game
A masquerade
A reason to dress up and fix your hair
Wasn't it love that we started with?
Did we lose it along the way
When the tides came in and we let go
The footprints began to fade
If you cared, then you'd protect the sand
We worked so hard to shape
Is this a love worth fighting for
Or is it just a game
We jump, we leap, we hope to soar
We wish to God to fly
A love that is worth living for
Is also worth your life
Love is a cry, a touch, a word, a jump
You have to risk the fall
If love doesn't mean anything to you
Then it isn't love at all
The days go by, my life moves on
Now I can barely stand
I turn around and remember
All our footprints in the sand.
I wonder if the risk was worth it
As I lie here on the floor
But if you don't risk everything
You're risking even more
-Britain Vanderbush
Every word we said
Do I still mean so much to you
Or to you am I just dead
Did I really mean the world to you
Or was it just a fake
Is love a game, a joke, a trade
That we give and take away
Do you think about me the way you did
Or have those thoughts passed away
I still can't help but think about you
Every single day
It's the way you'd cry
You'd laugh
You'd smile
It was the way I held your hand
Moments that we spent together
Now footprints in the sand
Will you let this love all go
Just simply wash away
When the tide comes in and the moon hangs low
The footprints fade away
Is this a love worth fighting for
Do you really care?
Was it all a game
A masquerade
A reason to dress up and fix your hair
Wasn't it love that we started with?
Did we lose it along the way
When the tides came in and we let go
The footprints began to fade
If you cared, then you'd protect the sand
We worked so hard to shape
Is this a love worth fighting for
Or is it just a game
We jump, we leap, we hope to soar
We wish to God to fly
A love that is worth living for
Is also worth your life
Love is a cry, a touch, a word, a jump
You have to risk the fall
If love doesn't mean anything to you
Then it isn't love at all
The days go by, my life moves on
Now I can barely stand
I turn around and remember
All our footprints in the sand.
I wonder if the risk was worth it
As I lie here on the floor
But if you don't risk everything
You're risking even more
-Britain Vanderbush
Friday, October 9, 2009
About my latest post
I am writing this just incase you are wondering what my last post is about. "Dreams."
The answer you won't truly find out until I post part 2. Part 2 will open your eyes to a lot of things, questions that you may be asking yourself right now or after reading part 1.
Dreams is written from the point of view of a 22 year old girl named Sara. I could explain her life to you, but you will have to read the Dreams posts that I put up to learn more about her. :)
How did this start? Well I don't really know. I sometimes take little trips in my mind To different places, as different characters, and I often come back with amazing stories. This is one of them. Please comment and let me know what you think.
Dreams Part 2 will be showing up very soon. :)
The answer you won't truly find out until I post part 2. Part 2 will open your eyes to a lot of things, questions that you may be asking yourself right now or after reading part 1.
Dreams is written from the point of view of a 22 year old girl named Sara. I could explain her life to you, but you will have to read the Dreams posts that I put up to learn more about her. :)
How did this start? Well I don't really know. I sometimes take little trips in my mind To different places, as different characters, and I often come back with amazing stories. This is one of them. Please comment and let me know what you think.
Dreams Part 2 will be showing up very soon. :)
Dreams: Part 2
I wrote this really fast and posted it.
STOP RIGHT THERE!!! IF YOU HAVE NOT YET READ PART ONE, YOU MOST DEFINITELY SHOULD!
Click HERE to read Part 1.
This is a dream...
No. Not a dream. I don't have dreams. Only nightmares. Sweet, beautiful nightmares that I wish I could live in forever. Dreams, nightmares of Heaven. How is a nightmare of Heaven possible? Well... Because I'm in Hell. It's like a poor man who has a dream that he finds all the money and riches he could ever want in the world and then wakes up, realizing he has none... It's a nightmare. I dream of Heaven; And I awake in hell.
From my grandfathers arms, into the pits of hell is where I went. Noise. Fire. Crashing of stones and breaking of bones. Sounds of death swirling all around me. The pain returned. Blood returned to my empty wounds. Pain shot through my body, fifty, a hundred, then a thousand times worse than before. A slash like one from the blade of a sword shot across my stomach, burrowing through the tired flesh. I curled forward letting the blood pour out like a waterfall. Splashing of blood the only sounds I could hear amidst the crashing of rocks, scowling voices of evil, crackling fire under the breath of the evil one. Burning... Fire in my bones, the only thing I could feel. My flesh began to burn. A beast, a silhouette against the discolored rocks, glowing red behind him, suddenly appeared above me. 9... 10... 12 feet tall. Towering over me, arms raised, holding something over his head. He was going to drop it on me. I began to climb up, using every ounce of strength I had left. No strength. But I Had to find safety. Safety in Hell, pfft. I doubt anything of the kind exists. In the pits of hell, what could be safe?
I always remembered saying since I was a teenager that there was safety in the darkness. I would sing my song from the CD that my parents bought me for Christmas when I was 13 years old. It was a Christian Cd called Apparitions of Melody by Kids in the Way. I remember their song. I would sing it all the time... I will find you there, somewhere in the dark. Buried in a place between dead and broken hearts. There's safety in the darkness. There's safety in the dark
I was obsessed with darkness. Obsessed with the shadow that it would create when standing in front of the source of light. I loved death. Every chance we got, me and my friends would drive down to one of the local bars and get drunk. We'd blow all our money just to feel free. We loved to get drunk. We all did. Then we'd cut ourselves. From the elbow to the wrist, I had so many scars. But they don't even compare in number and size to the wounds that are there now. A few scars remain, torturing me, telling me how worthless I am. I'm nothing but a bit of filth... Here, I can choose to believe that and they actually believe with me. But I want more. I want life again. I never knew as I carved those letters and symbols into my arms that all I was doing was creating a closer bond with Hell, the place I can no longer escape. I thought about what might happen if one of us died. Travis would always drive us off somewhere in his car once we were all drunk... Him too. It had been three months since I moved in with my boy friend and we were going back to his place like we usually ended up doing... God, I wish I wouldn't have climbed into the car that night... Maybe if I would have stayed behind, I wouldn't be here right now, feeling this pain.
The boulder came crashing down on my like a sledge hammer. It pushed my face into the floor. I hoped and wished that I could only pass out from the pain. I felt I was going into shock. But there is no relief here of pain. It's only death. It surrounds us. I hear the cries from the other people around me. The other poor, tortured souls. I hear their cries of pain. I can not distinguish my own amongst them. Thousand of voices raging in tears. Pure hell. Now I lay here without breath, wishing I could breath, but the boulder pins me to the hard, rocky ground like a thumbtack into a bulletin board. I entire body swelled with pain. I saw the large hand choose a giant rock, half the size of my head. He took it in his fist, walked toward me and slammed it in my head. Once... Twice... Three times... Over and over and over until the blood flew from my head like rain drops on the floor as I lay in my own puddle of blood. Drowning in it. There was no way my face could be recognizable now.
He stood up and threw the rock at me one last time. It hit me in the eye... I couldn't tell if my right eye was still there or not... I could only see out of my left. He lifted the boulder from my back. My spine was broken. Every bone in my back felt like it was torn apart and displaced. It probably was. He lifted the boulder from my back and I begged for my first breath, breathing in pain. Inhaling my own puddle of blood off the rocky and burning hot ground. And then rivers of blood flowing out or my mouth, across the ground, as if my entire body was trying to drain itself of its blood.
I could no longer breathe. Lungs did not work. Both probably punctured. Sweet, sweet air, I could no longer breathe. The air in Hell wasn't anything remotely close to sweet. But at a moment like this, even one breath of it would have been a gift from Heaven. I remembered my grandpa saying, "Life isn't about the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away." And my breath was taken away now. Maybe for good. But this wasn't life. This was pure death. What was death all about? I don't really know.
All those nights I spent wishing for drugs, suicide, death, and now I wish I could take it all back. The living hell that was my life, the pain I felt in some of those times didn't even compare to real hell and the pain I feel now. God, save me! But I can not be saved... I was a sinner. Are these the thoughts that go through a sinners head?
BAM! Another rock slammed on my back and lifted, breaking my bones. Pain like no other.
If I could just see my granddad now to tell him I'm sorry... Tell him I didn't live life the way he told me to but now I know he was right.
BAM! A second. Slamming down. I coughed up blood, crying... Hell ringing in my ears. Now with my back most definitely broken, I could not move, could not push myself up with my arms. I was paralyzed. Now I could do nothing but watch my mangled hand shaking on the ground in front of me and lay here, drowned in my very own blood.
Life... Sweet, sweet life. I miss sweet life so much. All the time I was wishing for death, I never knew it would bring me here... I thought that it might, but I didn't think it could have been any worse than the pain that I was feeling... Now, looking back, I realized I could have changed everything. Now, every day, all I will feel is pain. This is a nightmare, and tomorrow, I'll have to live it over again. And again... And again. All I will feel is pain. All I know is fear. I could never wish this Hell upon anyone. I wish I could go back to tell them to change. But even if I was sent back to earth and told them what I have been through, who would believe, and how many would truly make a change...? Very few. Sadly, I know that most of the world will one day soon be here with me. And I can't help but weep for them. Weep for me. Weep for another life forgotten. Weep for the moments that I wasted. Every moment was a gift... I just wish I could do it all over again. But I don't think I'll ever get this chance.
Death.....
The diary of my mind- Sara
STOP RIGHT THERE!!! IF YOU HAVE NOT YET READ PART ONE, YOU MOST DEFINITELY SHOULD!
Click HERE to read Part 1.
This is a dream...
No. Not a dream. I don't have dreams. Only nightmares. Sweet, beautiful nightmares that I wish I could live in forever. Dreams, nightmares of Heaven. How is a nightmare of Heaven possible? Well... Because I'm in Hell. It's like a poor man who has a dream that he finds all the money and riches he could ever want in the world and then wakes up, realizing he has none... It's a nightmare. I dream of Heaven; And I awake in hell.
From my grandfathers arms, into the pits of hell is where I went. Noise. Fire. Crashing of stones and breaking of bones. Sounds of death swirling all around me. The pain returned. Blood returned to my empty wounds. Pain shot through my body, fifty, a hundred, then a thousand times worse than before. A slash like one from the blade of a sword shot across my stomach, burrowing through the tired flesh. I curled forward letting the blood pour out like a waterfall. Splashing of blood the only sounds I could hear amidst the crashing of rocks, scowling voices of evil, crackling fire under the breath of the evil one. Burning... Fire in my bones, the only thing I could feel. My flesh began to burn. A beast, a silhouette against the discolored rocks, glowing red behind him, suddenly appeared above me. 9... 10... 12 feet tall. Towering over me, arms raised, holding something over his head. He was going to drop it on me. I began to climb up, using every ounce of strength I had left. No strength. But I Had to find safety. Safety in Hell, pfft. I doubt anything of the kind exists. In the pits of hell, what could be safe?
I always remembered saying since I was a teenager that there was safety in the darkness. I would sing my song from the CD that my parents bought me for Christmas when I was 13 years old. It was a Christian Cd called Apparitions of Melody by Kids in the Way. I remember their song. I would sing it all the time... I will find you there, somewhere in the dark. Buried in a place between dead and broken hearts. There's safety in the darkness. There's safety in the dark
I was obsessed with darkness. Obsessed with the shadow that it would create when standing in front of the source of light. I loved death. Every chance we got, me and my friends would drive down to one of the local bars and get drunk. We'd blow all our money just to feel free. We loved to get drunk. We all did. Then we'd cut ourselves. From the elbow to the wrist, I had so many scars. But they don't even compare in number and size to the wounds that are there now. A few scars remain, torturing me, telling me how worthless I am. I'm nothing but a bit of filth... Here, I can choose to believe that and they actually believe with me. But I want more. I want life again. I never knew as I carved those letters and symbols into my arms that all I was doing was creating a closer bond with Hell, the place I can no longer escape. I thought about what might happen if one of us died. Travis would always drive us off somewhere in his car once we were all drunk... Him too. It had been three months since I moved in with my boy friend and we were going back to his place like we usually ended up doing... God, I wish I wouldn't have climbed into the car that night... Maybe if I would have stayed behind, I wouldn't be here right now, feeling this pain.
The boulder came crashing down on my like a sledge hammer. It pushed my face into the floor. I hoped and wished that I could only pass out from the pain. I felt I was going into shock. But there is no relief here of pain. It's only death. It surrounds us. I hear the cries from the other people around me. The other poor, tortured souls. I hear their cries of pain. I can not distinguish my own amongst them. Thousand of voices raging in tears. Pure hell. Now I lay here without breath, wishing I could breath, but the boulder pins me to the hard, rocky ground like a thumbtack into a bulletin board. I entire body swelled with pain. I saw the large hand choose a giant rock, half the size of my head. He took it in his fist, walked toward me and slammed it in my head. Once... Twice... Three times... Over and over and over until the blood flew from my head like rain drops on the floor as I lay in my own puddle of blood. Drowning in it. There was no way my face could be recognizable now.
He stood up and threw the rock at me one last time. It hit me in the eye... I couldn't tell if my right eye was still there or not... I could only see out of my left. He lifted the boulder from my back. My spine was broken. Every bone in my back felt like it was torn apart and displaced. It probably was. He lifted the boulder from my back and I begged for my first breath, breathing in pain. Inhaling my own puddle of blood off the rocky and burning hot ground. And then rivers of blood flowing out or my mouth, across the ground, as if my entire body was trying to drain itself of its blood.
I could no longer breathe. Lungs did not work. Both probably punctured. Sweet, sweet air, I could no longer breathe. The air in Hell wasn't anything remotely close to sweet. But at a moment like this, even one breath of it would have been a gift from Heaven. I remembered my grandpa saying, "Life isn't about the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away." And my breath was taken away now. Maybe for good. But this wasn't life. This was pure death. What was death all about? I don't really know.
All those nights I spent wishing for drugs, suicide, death, and now I wish I could take it all back. The living hell that was my life, the pain I felt in some of those times didn't even compare to real hell and the pain I feel now. God, save me! But I can not be saved... I was a sinner. Are these the thoughts that go through a sinners head?
BAM! Another rock slammed on my back and lifted, breaking my bones. Pain like no other.
If I could just see my granddad now to tell him I'm sorry... Tell him I didn't live life the way he told me to but now I know he was right.
BAM! A second. Slamming down. I coughed up blood, crying... Hell ringing in my ears. Now with my back most definitely broken, I could not move, could not push myself up with my arms. I was paralyzed. Now I could do nothing but watch my mangled hand shaking on the ground in front of me and lay here, drowned in my very own blood.
Life... Sweet, sweet life. I miss sweet life so much. All the time I was wishing for death, I never knew it would bring me here... I thought that it might, but I didn't think it could have been any worse than the pain that I was feeling... Now, looking back, I realized I could have changed everything. Now, every day, all I will feel is pain. This is a nightmare, and tomorrow, I'll have to live it over again. And again... And again. All I will feel is pain. All I know is fear. I could never wish this Hell upon anyone. I wish I could go back to tell them to change. But even if I was sent back to earth and told them what I have been through, who would believe, and how many would truly make a change...? Very few. Sadly, I know that most of the world will one day soon be here with me. And I can't help but weep for them. Weep for me. Weep for another life forgotten. Weep for the moments that I wasted. Every moment was a gift... I just wish I could do it all over again. But I don't think I'll ever get this chance.
Death.....
The diary of my mind- Sara
Dreams: Part 1
Darkness surrounds me. Nothing. Nothing but the beating of my heart and the pain that can still be felt in my body from the fire that touched it the night before. Pain. Then nothing. A flash of light, white, silver and grey. This is it! This is what I have been longing for, crying out for, asking for every day as I work, as my body burns. This is what I wanted. I smile. The pain seeps away and the wounds seem to heal as the light touches them. The blood from my many wounds dotted the white floor beneath me. Was this love, the light that I was before me?
Suddenly, a world began to form in front of me. As if I were blinded momentarily and all I could see was this white. Colors, shapes, trees began to form before me. A whole new world. Trees covered in fruit. So many different colors.
A river began to form. Perfect, flowing waters cascaded down the river and in between smooth rocks that jutted out from the bottom. Tears began to drip down my face as this world began to form before my eyes. I heard somewhere that dreams came true. My grandpa used to tell me back when I lived on the earth, oh so long ago. Compared to where I lived these last few months, the earth could have been Heaven. But even this surpassed any beauty that I had seen on earth. This had to be Heaven. This was Heaven...
I began to run through the soft, green grass below me that slowly swayed in the wind like waves. Every step, like breathing in new life. I could stay in this moment forever.
I began to pull the beautifully covered fruits off the trees, eating them one by one, biting in and letting the sweet, wonderful juice drip down my chin. There was nowhere on earth I'd rather be. Except for maybe back to the moment 16 years ago when I was just 6 years old, laying in my grandfathers arms, rocking with him in his big, blue Lazy boy rocker, listening to him tell me how good Jesus is... How much he loved me. I remembered getting goosebumps all over when he used to talk about it... I listened, but I never really did. My ears heard his words, my heart took nothing from them. And now, 16 years later, they still ring through my mind just as clear as they did the moment he told them to me. He was right... Jesus did exist. God was always with me, around me. If I could be anywhere else, it would be lying in that mans arms this very second, telling him that he was right. That dreams really did come true. That I should have listened to his every word. That I loved him.... That he was my best friend... No one else cared for me the way that he did. I fell on my side, still tasting the last bite of fruit in my mouth. I began to weep. "Jesus... God! Forgive me, Daddy. I need you... God, I hate living my life without you," I said, barely able to keep my words together between the sounds of my breathing and the flowing tears that ran uncontrollably from my eyes. "Jesus... You're everything." As I said it, the words rang out a hundred... No. A thousand times! Like beautiful music, it sounded. "Jesus, You are everything!" My voice rang out through the forest.
A sound. From far off... A song. Somebody was singing. No, not someone. A whole group of people, singing a tune and dancing as streets of gold formed before them. It was their ground. Wherever they walked, everything changed. Even became more... alive! If that was even possible. Everything here seemed to be so filled with life already. Death poked out it's ugly head out from nowhere. Not from behind a tree, not from behind a branch. Nowhere. It was all life, beauty, joy. I never ever ever wanted to leave.
A young boy with blond hair, maybe about 6 years old was wearing a tunic with a red cloth tied around his waist was singing, dancing, jumping up and down. The most beautiful voice, I thought. His voice seemed to stand out among the others. Sounded more... pure. Perfect. Beautiful. His voice send chills running down my spine. This was true beauty.
His eye caught mine as he twirled around. He stopped, looked at me for a moment, his eyes lit up. Those big, blue, beautiful eyes. He began to run toward me, off the path of gold.
"Sara," he shouted. Coming only about as high as my stomach, he reached me and threw his arms around my waist. "We have been waiting for you! Well, I have!" He smiled and looked up at me. A sparkle in his eye caught my attention. For the first time in a long time, I felt loved. I did not know this child, but somehow I did. I bent down, took him in my arms and sobbed on his little shoulder.
"I love you, Sara."
"I love you too," I said back. Why did I say it? Well, because I honestly did love this little fellow. He had shown me love for the first time in days, months... had it been years?
I lifted my face from the boys shoulder and gazed over at an old man, dressed in the same slacks and same long sleeved blue and white plaid shirt that I remembered from so long ago. Grandpa. I froze.
"Wanna go see him?" The little boy asked with a huge smile on his face.
"Yes. Yes I do," I said through tears. "Granddad..." I began to walk to him, to run to him. He spread his arms and brought me in. I wrapped my arms around him and he held me. I never wanted to let go. It was that same smell on his shirt. That same smile on his face. That same feeling that I had when he used to hold me as a little girl. I wanted to hold on forever and never let go. "You were right, granddad. You were right... Dreams really do come true." My tears staining his shirt as they had so many times before. "Why didn't I ever listen? I love you, Granddad. I love you so much."
"I love you too, Princess. I missed you."
This was Heaven. This was all I ever could have asked for. This was love...
Click here to read Part 2
Suddenly, a world began to form in front of me. As if I were blinded momentarily and all I could see was this white. Colors, shapes, trees began to form before me. A whole new world. Trees covered in fruit. So many different colors.
A river began to form. Perfect, flowing waters cascaded down the river and in between smooth rocks that jutted out from the bottom. Tears began to drip down my face as this world began to form before my eyes. I heard somewhere that dreams came true. My grandpa used to tell me back when I lived on the earth, oh so long ago. Compared to where I lived these last few months, the earth could have been Heaven. But even this surpassed any beauty that I had seen on earth. This had to be Heaven. This was Heaven...
I began to run through the soft, green grass below me that slowly swayed in the wind like waves. Every step, like breathing in new life. I could stay in this moment forever.
I began to pull the beautifully covered fruits off the trees, eating them one by one, biting in and letting the sweet, wonderful juice drip down my chin. There was nowhere on earth I'd rather be. Except for maybe back to the moment 16 years ago when I was just 6 years old, laying in my grandfathers arms, rocking with him in his big, blue Lazy boy rocker, listening to him tell me how good Jesus is... How much he loved me. I remembered getting goosebumps all over when he used to talk about it... I listened, but I never really did. My ears heard his words, my heart took nothing from them. And now, 16 years later, they still ring through my mind just as clear as they did the moment he told them to me. He was right... Jesus did exist. God was always with me, around me. If I could be anywhere else, it would be lying in that mans arms this very second, telling him that he was right. That dreams really did come true. That I should have listened to his every word. That I loved him.... That he was my best friend... No one else cared for me the way that he did. I fell on my side, still tasting the last bite of fruit in my mouth. I began to weep. "Jesus... God! Forgive me, Daddy. I need you... God, I hate living my life without you," I said, barely able to keep my words together between the sounds of my breathing and the flowing tears that ran uncontrollably from my eyes. "Jesus... You're everything." As I said it, the words rang out a hundred... No. A thousand times! Like beautiful music, it sounded. "Jesus, You are everything!" My voice rang out through the forest.
A sound. From far off... A song. Somebody was singing. No, not someone. A whole group of people, singing a tune and dancing as streets of gold formed before them. It was their ground. Wherever they walked, everything changed. Even became more... alive! If that was even possible. Everything here seemed to be so filled with life already. Death poked out it's ugly head out from nowhere. Not from behind a tree, not from behind a branch. Nowhere. It was all life, beauty, joy. I never ever ever wanted to leave.
A young boy with blond hair, maybe about 6 years old was wearing a tunic with a red cloth tied around his waist was singing, dancing, jumping up and down. The most beautiful voice, I thought. His voice seemed to stand out among the others. Sounded more... pure. Perfect. Beautiful. His voice send chills running down my spine. This was true beauty.
His eye caught mine as he twirled around. He stopped, looked at me for a moment, his eyes lit up. Those big, blue, beautiful eyes. He began to run toward me, off the path of gold.
"Sara," he shouted. Coming only about as high as my stomach, he reached me and threw his arms around my waist. "We have been waiting for you! Well, I have!" He smiled and looked up at me. A sparkle in his eye caught my attention. For the first time in a long time, I felt loved. I did not know this child, but somehow I did. I bent down, took him in my arms and sobbed on his little shoulder.
"I love you, Sara."
"I love you too," I said back. Why did I say it? Well, because I honestly did love this little fellow. He had shown me love for the first time in days, months... had it been years?
I lifted my face from the boys shoulder and gazed over at an old man, dressed in the same slacks and same long sleeved blue and white plaid shirt that I remembered from so long ago. Grandpa. I froze.
"Wanna go see him?" The little boy asked with a huge smile on his face.
"Yes. Yes I do," I said through tears. "Granddad..." I began to walk to him, to run to him. He spread his arms and brought me in. I wrapped my arms around him and he held me. I never wanted to let go. It was that same smell on his shirt. That same smile on his face. That same feeling that I had when he used to hold me as a little girl. I wanted to hold on forever and never let go. "You were right, granddad. You were right... Dreams really do come true." My tears staining his shirt as they had so many times before. "Why didn't I ever listen? I love you, Granddad. I love you so much."
"I love you too, Princess. I missed you."
This was Heaven. This was all I ever could have asked for. This was love...
Click here to read Part 2
Monday, October 5, 2009
Dreamer
Do you ever sit and dream, just wonder what life would be like if this one certain thing would happen, if just one dream would come true? Do you ever wish? Do you ever imagine? Do you ever dream of becoming something more than you already are? We all do. We all want something more, we all want something different. We all want to live a dream, a new life, a fairy tale. Will we ever?
Do you ever wish to be in love? To have someone to love? Do you ever dream of that perfect person and think that they are out there somewhere in the world and one day, maybe, just maybe you might find them? Do you wish that you could fall in love? That you could wake up every morning knowing that you love someone with all your heart and they love you just as much. And every morning, you wake up thinking of them and you know that they are doing the same, thinking of you. Do you ever wish that you had someone to smile about, someone that smiles about you just at the thought of you? Who doesn't? Everybody does. Everyone longs for love. To be loved... We all dream our own little fairy tales. But sometimes... life tells us that what we dream... it doesn't matter. Dreaming of something won't always make it happen. It's just something you imagine. Something you would love to love but know you never could.
Are dreams worth dreaming if dreams will never happen?
Is live worth living if it won't be lived the way we dream?
We always want something that's worth living for.
We always want someone who makes us feel more.
We always want life, love, perfection.
Will we ever find it in this world?
In this life.
Why can't we be as fortunate as the ones who do? Better yet, the ones who don't dream but get more than they ever wished for.
Every person that you see on TV, hear on the radio, see in a football game, they dreamed at one time of being there. They've stood the ground that you now stand. What would have happened if they stopped dreaming? They hit bumps in the road too. I'm sure they still do. But how will we get what we wish we had if we never dreamed of it. How can we become someone greater if we do not dream of who we might become?
If you are stuck in a dark room where there is no light, should we stop dreaming of the light and what is outside of the room simply because we might never see it? Ignoring the light and saying we will never find it is never going to get us to the place where we can see it's beauty once again. Because the light is real, and it's all around you. If you dream of getting out of that room, you can get out. With work, and perseverance, and the hope that we have from our dreams, maybe one day we will. And we will see that light shining brighter than ever. Dreams open up whole new doors. Letting go of a dream is letting go of one more handle and letting that door slam right in your face. So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
and we never even know we have the key.
The truth is, we're all dreamers. We're all fighters. We're all lovers... Dreams, fights, love... We dream of a love worth fighting for. We wish to find it. We wish that we knew how. True love is not something that you can force, or make happen. An experience and encounter with God can not be forced or created by man. It's something that happens because of your total and complete love towards God and His for you. Trying to create that, to bribe him with candies and treats and fake sacrifices isn't going to create that. Only love. Love can find you, and you will find it too, only if you are looking. But until that moment the you have that encounter, don't stop dreaming of it. I know I won't see Chelsie for quite a while. And I miss her and dream of her still. Just because I might not see her for a long time doesn't mean I will stop dreaming of the moment that I will hold her in my arms again. I know that one day soon I will hug her and I will hold her, look her in her beautiful blue eyes and tell her I love her and see her smile in my arms once again. And I'll dream of it until then. Don't ever stop dreaming. It will open up the door for something new and beautiful to happen.
What you dwell on and what you wish for the most is your greatest treasure.
What you pursue with your greatest passion is your greatest treasure.
There is no greater gift than love. And if it is something that we truly treasure, we will pursue it.
Look for love... But look in the right places.
Seek and you shall find.
Look for love, and you will find love. Because love... it's running after you.
You can let it catch you. You will find it. Dream of it until then.
Dream with great passion and never stop dreaming. One day, you just might find what you're looking for.
I am Britain Vanderbush. And I am a dreamer. Read with me, and dream with me.
Welcome to my blog. This is me. :)
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Ruthton Minnesota & Our Journey Here
Well here I am in Ruthton, Minnesota once again. It's a very small town. Less than 300 people live here. Right now, I am one of them. Every day is a little bit different, yet somewhat the same. Slow. Relaxing. Almost perfect. In my mind, adventurous! I don't think hardly anything has gone wrong since I've been here. I feel like I could almost be anything right now. Anyone I want to be, I can take the time to become because there just isn't much else to do.
Every time I see something here it opens up my mind to a whole new world, brings back memories of coming here to my grandparents house when I was a little kid. Exploring the different rooms of the basement with a flashlight and a BB gun just to be safe in case I ran into anyone down there. The basement was my dungeon, a place where I could use my imagination. This whole town was. All the old houses out in the middle of nowhere. Who knows how many of them could be haunted or have some crazy treasure hidden beneath them? This is the perfect place for a kid to grow up. So many things to do, places to go, things to see, mysteries to be solved. I can almost feel like that little 6 year old boy who lived here so long ago. Running through the town, doing and imagining the craziest things. I just love it here.
We left Austin around 2:00pm last Tuesday. Almost a week ago now. We were planning to leave earlier but got held up because we had to take stuff to the storage unit in Leander and had to wait for it to stop raining first. It just happened to pour rain that day!
Well, we hit the road and I got out my book and started reading. I finished reading Black by the time we got to Minnesota. SUCH an amazing book! Ted Dekker is a genius! My all time favorite writer and the guy who inspired me to write, Ted Dekker is absolutely amazing. I can not wait to read the next three books in the Circle Series.
I rode most of the way reading my book with Sasha resting her head on my lap. (Sasha is my dog, just to let you know.) :D Haha
We were going to drive all night but my mom got tired and didn't want to have to sleep in the car, so we stopped at a small motel in Perry, Oklahoma that let dogs stay for an extra $5.00. Wasn't the greatest place in the world but who cared? We were just tired and wanted a bed to sleep in. :)
The next morning, we got up, my mom took Sasha outside to walk around a little bit and there was a HUGE, BEAUTIFUL rainbow right outside the hotel door. It was almost a double rainbow with another rainbow inside of it! It was amazing! :) It almost reminded me of the rainbows we would see every day when we lived in Hawaii, but not as vivid and colorful. Either way, it was a rainbow and it was beautiful. :) The five of us, Mom, Dad, Sara, Sasha, and me of course, got dressed, got back in the crammed car, and hit the road. Later that night, we were in Ruthton Minnesota. :)
Every time I see something here it opens up my mind to a whole new world, brings back memories of coming here to my grandparents house when I was a little kid. Exploring the different rooms of the basement with a flashlight and a BB gun just to be safe in case I ran into anyone down there. The basement was my dungeon, a place where I could use my imagination. This whole town was. All the old houses out in the middle of nowhere. Who knows how many of them could be haunted or have some crazy treasure hidden beneath them? This is the perfect place for a kid to grow up. So many things to do, places to go, things to see, mysteries to be solved. I can almost feel like that little 6 year old boy who lived here so long ago. Running through the town, doing and imagining the craziest things. I just love it here.
We left Austin around 2:00pm last Tuesday. Almost a week ago now. We were planning to leave earlier but got held up because we had to take stuff to the storage unit in Leander and had to wait for it to stop raining first. It just happened to pour rain that day!
Well, we hit the road and I got out my book and started reading. I finished reading Black by the time we got to Minnesota. SUCH an amazing book! Ted Dekker is a genius! My all time favorite writer and the guy who inspired me to write, Ted Dekker is absolutely amazing. I can not wait to read the next three books in the Circle Series.
I rode most of the way reading my book with Sasha resting her head on my lap. (Sasha is my dog, just to let you know.) :D Haha
We were going to drive all night but my mom got tired and didn't want to have to sleep in the car, so we stopped at a small motel in Perry, Oklahoma that let dogs stay for an extra $5.00. Wasn't the greatest place in the world but who cared? We were just tired and wanted a bed to sleep in. :)
The next morning, we got up, my mom took Sasha outside to walk around a little bit and there was a HUGE, BEAUTIFUL rainbow right outside the hotel door. It was almost a double rainbow with another rainbow inside of it! It was amazing! :) It almost reminded me of the rainbows we would see every day when we lived in Hawaii, but not as vivid and colorful. Either way, it was a rainbow and it was beautiful. :) The five of us, Mom, Dad, Sara, Sasha, and me of course, got dressed, got back in the crammed car, and hit the road. Later that night, we were in Ruthton Minnesota. :)
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