Dreams: Part 2

I wrote this really fast and posted it.


STOP RIGHT THERE!!! IF YOU HAVE NOT YET READ PART ONE, YOU MOST DEFINITELY SHOULD!
Click HERE to read Part 1.


This is a dream...
No. Not a dream. I don't have dreams. Only nightmares. Sweet, beautiful nightmares that I wish I could live in forever. Dreams, nightmares of Heaven. How is a nightmare of Heaven possible? Well... Because I'm in Hell. It's like a poor man who has a dream that he finds all the money and riches he could ever want in the world and then wakes up, realizing he has none... It's a nightmare. I dream of Heaven; And I awake in hell.
From my grandfathers arms, into the pits of hell is where I went. Noise. Fire. Crashing of stones and breaking of bones. Sounds of death swirling all around me. The pain returned. Blood returned to my empty wounds. Pain shot through my body, fifty, a hundred, then a thousand times worse than before. A slash like one from the blade of a sword shot across my stomach, burrowing through the tired flesh. I curled forward letting the blood pour out like a waterfall. Splashing of blood the only sounds I could hear amidst the crashing of rocks, scowling voices of evil, crackling fire under the breath of the evil one. Burning... Fire in my bones, the only thing I could feel. My flesh began to burn. A beast, a silhouette against the discolored rocks, glowing red behind him, suddenly appeared above me. 9... 10... 12 feet tall. Towering over me, arms raised, holding something over his head. He was going to drop it on me. I began to climb up, using every ounce of strength I had left. No strength. But I Had to find safety. Safety in Hell, pfft. I doubt anything of the kind exists. In the pits of hell, what could be safe?
I always remembered saying since I was a teenager that there was safety in the darkness. I would sing my song from the CD that my parents bought me for Christmas when I was 13 years old. It was a Christian Cd called Apparitions of Melody by Kids in the Way. I remember their song. I would sing it all the time... I will find you there, somewhere in the dark. Buried in a place between dead and broken hearts. There's safety in the darkness. There's safety in the dark
I was obsessed with darkness. Obsessed with the shadow that it would create when standing in front of the source of light. I loved death. Every chance we got, me and my friends would drive down to one of the local bars and get drunk. We'd blow all our money just to feel free. We loved to get drunk. We all did. Then we'd cut ourselves. From the elbow to the wrist, I had so many scars. But they don't even compare in number and size to the wounds that are there now. A few scars remain, torturing me, telling me how worthless I am. I'm nothing but a bit of filth... Here, I can choose to believe that and they actually believe with me. But I want more. I want life again. I never knew as I carved those letters and symbols into my arms that all I was doing was creating a closer bond with Hell, the place I can no longer escape. I thought about what might happen if one of us died. Travis would always drive us off somewhere in his car once we were all drunk... Him too. It had been three months since I moved in with my boy friend and we were going back to his place like we usually ended up doing... God, I wish I wouldn't have climbed into the car that night... Maybe if I would have stayed behind, I wouldn't be here right now, feeling this pain.
The boulder came crashing down on my like a sledge hammer. It pushed my face into the floor. I hoped and wished that I could only pass out from the pain. I felt I was going into shock. But there is no relief here of pain. It's only death. It surrounds us. I hear the cries from the other people around me. The other poor, tortured souls. I hear their cries of pain. I can not distinguish my own amongst them. Thousand of voices raging in tears. Pure hell. Now I lay here without breath, wishing I could breath, but the boulder pins me to the hard, rocky ground like a thumbtack into a bulletin board. I entire body swelled with pain. I saw the large hand choose a giant rock, half the size of my head. He took it in his fist, walked toward me and slammed it in my head. Once... Twice... Three times... Over and over and over until the blood flew from my head like rain drops on the floor as I lay in my own puddle of blood. Drowning in it. There was no way my face could be recognizable now.
He stood up and threw the rock at me one last time. It hit me in the eye... I couldn't tell if my right eye was still there or not... I could only see out of my left. He lifted the boulder from my back. My spine was broken. Every bone in my back felt like it was torn apart and displaced. It probably was. He lifted the boulder from my back and I begged for my first breath, breathing in pain. Inhaling my own puddle of blood off the rocky and burning hot ground. And then rivers of blood flowing out or my mouth, across the ground, as if my entire body was trying to drain itself of its blood.
I could no longer breathe. Lungs did not work. Both probably punctured. Sweet, sweet air, I could no longer breathe. The air in Hell wasn't anything remotely close to sweet. But at a moment like this, even one breath of it would have been a gift from Heaven. I remembered my grandpa saying, "Life isn't about the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away." And my breath was taken away now. Maybe for good. But this wasn't life. This was pure death. What was death all about? I don't really know.
All those nights I spent wishing for drugs, suicide, death, and now I wish I could take it all back. The living hell that was my life, the pain I felt in some of those times didn't even compare to real hell and the pain I feel now. God, save me! But I can not be saved... I was a sinner. Are these the thoughts that go through a sinners head?
BAM! Another rock slammed on my back and lifted, breaking my bones. Pain like no other.
If I could just see my granddad now to tell him I'm sorry... Tell him I didn't live life the way he told me to but now I know he was right.
BAM! A second. Slamming down. I coughed up blood, crying... Hell ringing in my ears. Now with my back most definitely broken, I could not move, could not push myself up with my arms. I was paralyzed. Now I could do nothing but watch my mangled hand shaking on the ground in front of me and lay here, drowned in my very own blood.
Life... Sweet, sweet life. I miss sweet life so much. All the time I was wishing for death, I never knew it would bring me here... I thought that it might, but I didn't think it could have been any worse than the pain that I was feeling... Now, looking back, I realized I could have changed everything. Now, every day, all I will feel is pain. This is a nightmare, and tomorrow, I'll have to live it over again. And again... And again. All I will feel is pain. All I know is fear. I could never wish this Hell upon anyone. I wish I could go back to tell them to change. But even if I was sent back to earth and told them what I have been through, who would believe, and how many would truly make a change...? Very few. Sadly, I know that most of the world will one day soon be here with me. And I can't help but weep for them. Weep for me. Weep for another life forgotten. Weep for the moments that I wasted. Every moment was a gift... I just wish I could do it all over again. But I don't think I'll ever get this chance.
Death.....

The diary of my mind- Sara