An excerpt from the new book/film, "Healer", by Bill and Britain Vanderbush
------------------
I know blood. I know its smell, its taste, its consistency. The way blood thickens when exposed to air and time. The way its shiny wet red turns to dull dry brown. The way it moves like water when it’s thin, and the warmth it maintains as it flows from within your skin to carve a pattern upon your face, your brow, your back, your hand. I love watching people’s reaction to the sight of blood. That’s intoxicating for me and I find myself left with an often inappropriate uncontrollable grin that I’ll try to erase quickly. Horror, surprise, sympathy, and the ever present cringe. Everyone’s cringe is unique. For some their cringe is out and out nausea. For the tough it’s a barely wrinkled crows foot in one eye. Some people cross their arms covering their elbows. Some find a place to sit clutching their legs behind the knees. Some just cover their faces leaving small parts between their fingers because they just can’t look away. I think it’s because watching the reality of what’s happening is actually better than the horror they imagine when they close their eyes. That’s why the people who can actually turn away and feel better about what they can’t see may be the pure in heart, or at least mind. When the horror of reality is more tame than the mind’s capacity to conjure imaginary gore, you may need a therapist.
Some reactions have a soundtrack. It may sound like a nervous laugh, a hiss as air is sucked through clenched teeth, or an expletive that both cuts and enhances the tension. It’s cut because it articulates what everyone’s thinking when they see the person before them become a leaking biohazard who is not to be envied. It’s enhanced because, depending on the expletive, a degree of seriousness has now been implied to the situation. It’s the screaming reaction that I can’t handle. That and a crying child. I hate the thought that a child may witness something in this moment that marks their psyche for life, rendering them speechless and incoherent for the duration of the trauma.
But personally, for me, It’s all about the pain. I’m not sure which is worse. The pain of a blade slicing through flesh, or the pain of an ache in your heart. No, it’s much deeper than that. The soul? Still not deep enough. Yet there’s this need, this appetite, because my pain can take away someone else’s. It’s strange how this gift turns you into a philosopher, and what is a philosopher except a person with more questions than can be answered in a thousand lifetimes? And I have questions. Lots of them.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I'm back! =)
Wow!..... It's been so long since I wrote on here. Thought it might be about time I start blogging again. :)
The last time I wrote, it was about four or five months ago, and I was crazy. It's amazing to think about how much life has changed since then. God has done so many amazing things in the last few months! =) I am at a point in my life where I am happier than I have ever been and I am completely lost in love and Jesus. Right now, there are very few things in my life that I would change. :)
Let me give you a quick update of what's happened these last few months.
Back in April, Joanie, Desiree and I randomly got to spend a day together. :) My dad was preaching for the chapel at their school in San Marcos and I decided to go with him. :) I was invited to go with a group to tour the Texas State Campus afterwards and my dad let me go. It was the perfect set ups for one of the most beautiful days of my life. I cherish and adore it even now. Long story short, I jumped in the van with Joanie and Dezz, we took off for the campus and had a blast! It was the first time we ACTUALLY got to have Chai Lattes together! =D And oh my God, I was so happy. We walked around the campus with our Starbucks for a while, and then we came across something a little..... crazy. There was a man who was standing on a platform in front of a large statue of a horse. He was yelling to a crowd of people. In one hand he held a Bible. And in the other, a human skull. "He's probably some doomsday preacher or something," Desiree said jokingly as we approached. We walked toward them only to find out that... he WAS. My heart sank instantly as his words reached my ears. He was yelling. He was shouting. He was beating people down and he was.... "Doing it for the Lord??"
"Hold this," I said, and handed Desiree my two Starbucks drinks. I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout, I wanted to dance and I wanted to cry. So many emotions filled me as I walked toward the man. But the thing that filled me most was Heaven. And Love... I stepped up beside the man and wrapped my arms around him. He froze for a moment and then pushed me away. I wasn't there to argue. I wasn't there to cause trouble, though he was. So I sat and spoke what truth I knew about a God who is more beautiful and more loving than even we can imagine or comprehend. I spoke to the crowd and told them about how much He loved them. How He thought that they were beautiful..... That lead to us spending an hour ministering and interceding for the people around us. The people on the campus.
Desiree, Jo, and I walked down the river afterwards. Desiree upset. Tears in Joanie's eyes. Their compassion was beautiful. It always is. I have grown to love these girls so much since then...... I can't tell you how much they mean to me. That day was the beginning of something new. Something beautiful. I remember so much of this day that if I described every detail, I could write a small book, but for your sake, I will make it short.
After we got back to the house, we all crashed on Desiree's bed and Joanie and I fell asleep for a little while. Birdy came over and we all hung out and ate a lunch that Pam made for us. It was the perfect way to spend a Wednesday. We got to talk about life and Jesus stuff... I don't know how many times we told the story of our Texas State Experience.
After youth that night, Chris Birkhimer (their youth pastor) gave me a ride home. Joanie, Desiree, and Timothy Darnell came along. We listened to Muse on the way and..... It was just a beautiful night. :) One that I won't ever forget.
I have fallen more in love in the last few months than I thought I could. Looking ahead from five months back, I wouldn't have seen myself in this place. But still.... God always had a plan. And there is no other place that I would rather be. Life is more beautiful now than I could have imagined it would be and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
I wish I could say more. I wish I could write more, but I should get going. I'll tell you about the last 2 crazy months soon! I have four hours to record this song and I better get started! :)
Joanie Anderson, if you're reading this, I love you and miss you more than you could possibly know. Thank you for being there every second. When I need someone to pick me up, you're there. When I need someone to spill my guts out to, you're there. You're always there... And I love you more than you could possibly know. There's no smile that can light up my day like yours does. Thank you for being my best friend. Come home soon. I love you.
-Brit
The last time I wrote, it was about four or five months ago, and I was crazy. It's amazing to think about how much life has changed since then. God has done so many amazing things in the last few months! =) I am at a point in my life where I am happier than I have ever been and I am completely lost in love and Jesus. Right now, there are very few things in my life that I would change. :)
Let me give you a quick update of what's happened these last few months.
Back in April, Joanie, Desiree and I randomly got to spend a day together. :) My dad was preaching for the chapel at their school in San Marcos and I decided to go with him. :) I was invited to go with a group to tour the Texas State Campus afterwards and my dad let me go. It was the perfect set ups for one of the most beautiful days of my life. I cherish and adore it even now. Long story short, I jumped in the van with Joanie and Dezz, we took off for the campus and had a blast! It was the first time we ACTUALLY got to have Chai Lattes together! =D And oh my God, I was so happy. We walked around the campus with our Starbucks for a while, and then we came across something a little..... crazy. There was a man who was standing on a platform in front of a large statue of a horse. He was yelling to a crowd of people. In one hand he held a Bible. And in the other, a human skull. "He's probably some doomsday preacher or something," Desiree said jokingly as we approached. We walked toward them only to find out that... he WAS. My heart sank instantly as his words reached my ears. He was yelling. He was shouting. He was beating people down and he was.... "Doing it for the Lord??"
"Hold this," I said, and handed Desiree my two Starbucks drinks. I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout, I wanted to dance and I wanted to cry. So many emotions filled me as I walked toward the man. But the thing that filled me most was Heaven. And Love... I stepped up beside the man and wrapped my arms around him. He froze for a moment and then pushed me away. I wasn't there to argue. I wasn't there to cause trouble, though he was. So I sat and spoke what truth I knew about a God who is more beautiful and more loving than even we can imagine or comprehend. I spoke to the crowd and told them about how much He loved them. How He thought that they were beautiful..... That lead to us spending an hour ministering and interceding for the people around us. The people on the campus.
Desiree, Jo, and I walked down the river afterwards. Desiree upset. Tears in Joanie's eyes. Their compassion was beautiful. It always is. I have grown to love these girls so much since then...... I can't tell you how much they mean to me. That day was the beginning of something new. Something beautiful. I remember so much of this day that if I described every detail, I could write a small book, but for your sake, I will make it short.
After we got back to the house, we all crashed on Desiree's bed and Joanie and I fell asleep for a little while. Birdy came over and we all hung out and ate a lunch that Pam made for us. It was the perfect way to spend a Wednesday. We got to talk about life and Jesus stuff... I don't know how many times we told the story of our Texas State Experience.
After youth that night, Chris Birkhimer (their youth pastor) gave me a ride home. Joanie, Desiree, and Timothy Darnell came along. We listened to Muse on the way and..... It was just a beautiful night. :) One that I won't ever forget.
I have fallen more in love in the last few months than I thought I could. Looking ahead from five months back, I wouldn't have seen myself in this place. But still.... God always had a plan. And there is no other place that I would rather be. Life is more beautiful now than I could have imagined it would be and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
I wish I could say more. I wish I could write more, but I should get going. I'll tell you about the last 2 crazy months soon! I have four hours to record this song and I better get started! :)
Joanie Anderson, if you're reading this, I love you and miss you more than you could possibly know. Thank you for being there every second. When I need someone to pick me up, you're there. When I need someone to spill my guts out to, you're there. You're always there... And I love you more than you could possibly know. There's no smile that can light up my day like yours does. Thank you for being my best friend. Come home soon. I love you.
-Brit
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Well... Let me start by saying that life is crazy. If you know me at all and know my heart, you probably know a little bit about where I am right now. I won't go into detail but... Though I'm not unhappy, It's not quite where I want to be. I'm still holding on. And I can't help the laughs and smiles from crossing my face every once and a while. :) I am not unhappy at all. Jealous, envious, confused, slightly lost, but not unhappy... I should be unhappy considering all that I've been through in the last month or so, but then I think about all that life has in store for me and all the bad things seem to fade away.
I am in Florida right now, staying at Regis and Josh's house. :) And let me tell you that it is SOOO freaking good to get away! I needed a break from the familiar. From the people. I needed to get away from where the memories are. Sometimes taking a break from normal life is just the best thing you can do. And I am LOVING florida!
We got here Tuesday night I think. Britany, Kate, and Olivia came along to surprise Regis (as she didn't know that they were coming.) Which made getting here and seeing their reaction pretty fantastic.
We're here for a few different reasons:
1. To get away (Mostly my reason.)
2. To see Regis and Josh (Since they live here and she is about to have her first baby.)
3. For the Florida Glory Breakthrough Conference that dad is speaking at with Heidi Baker, Georgian Banov and a ton of other awesome people.
Regis is in labor right now and she has been since 6am yesterday morning... I feel bad for her. It's definitely not going as quick as she would have hoped. It is taking waaaaay too long. As are a few other things. I'll leave it at that.
So I have been reading Boneman's Daughters and it is SUCH an amazing book... I can't even begin to tell you how good it is. I am just about finished with it, and I have to admit that it is one of my absolute favorite books that Ted Dekker has ever written. So I definitely recommend that if you have some free time on your hands, if you're looking for a good book; even if you're not... Check out Boneman's Daughters by Ted Dekker. It is a very good book...
What lengths would a father go to to save his daughter? If a daughter is in the hands of a false father, someone else who is trying to be her father, a... "Father of Lies" if you will. This book beautifully shows passion and anger driven by pure love and need for Ryan to bring his daughter back home where she can live safe and sound and he can love her again. This book has been making me thing of what extreme measures I might go to just to save the one that I love, even if that someone resents me and my love. It's been opening up my eyes to a few different things and challenging my mind on different levels. Anyways... It's a great book! Just check it out! :)
I would write more, but I really have to go...
Should I be happy for them? Should I smile when she smiles? I should... I do. But this hole opens up inside of me and tries to swallow me whole... Jealousy. The dagger is standing up at the bottom of the hole, waiting for me to fall in so it can pierce my heart. It honestly does cause me anger. I know that I can live without her. I just don't want to. So I'll be around. But this... All of this... I will never ever ever understand.
I am in Florida right now, staying at Regis and Josh's house. :) And let me tell you that it is SOOO freaking good to get away! I needed a break from the familiar. From the people. I needed to get away from where the memories are. Sometimes taking a break from normal life is just the best thing you can do. And I am LOVING florida!
We got here Tuesday night I think. Britany, Kate, and Olivia came along to surprise Regis (as she didn't know that they were coming.) Which made getting here and seeing their reaction pretty fantastic.
We're here for a few different reasons:
1. To get away (Mostly my reason.)
2. To see Regis and Josh (Since they live here and she is about to have her first baby.)
3. For the Florida Glory Breakthrough Conference that dad is speaking at with Heidi Baker, Georgian Banov and a ton of other awesome people.
Regis is in labor right now and she has been since 6am yesterday morning... I feel bad for her. It's definitely not going as quick as she would have hoped. It is taking waaaaay too long. As are a few other things. I'll leave it at that.
So I have been reading Boneman's Daughters and it is SUCH an amazing book... I can't even begin to tell you how good it is. I am just about finished with it, and I have to admit that it is one of my absolute favorite books that Ted Dekker has ever written. So I definitely recommend that if you have some free time on your hands, if you're looking for a good book; even if you're not... Check out Boneman's Daughters by Ted Dekker. It is a very good book...
What lengths would a father go to to save his daughter? If a daughter is in the hands of a false father, someone else who is trying to be her father, a... "Father of Lies" if you will. This book beautifully shows passion and anger driven by pure love and need for Ryan to bring his daughter back home where she can live safe and sound and he can love her again. This book has been making me thing of what extreme measures I might go to just to save the one that I love, even if that someone resents me and my love. It's been opening up my eyes to a few different things and challenging my mind on different levels. Anyways... It's a great book! Just check it out! :)
I would write more, but I really have to go...
Should I be happy for them? Should I smile when she smiles? I should... I do. But this hole opens up inside of me and tries to swallow me whole... Jealousy. The dagger is standing up at the bottom of the hole, waiting for me to fall in so it can pierce my heart. It honestly does cause me anger. I know that I can live without her. I just don't want to. So I'll be around. But this... All of this... I will never ever ever understand.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
An Inexplicable Love
Why do I love her the way that I do?
You say and you might ask
I can't give you an answer but my love is true
I promise you that it will last
It's the way that her smile lights up my day
It's the way that I see her eyes shine
It's the feeling I get when she's walking my way
It won't fade away even with time
It's the way that we laugh in those moments together
When nothing else fills our minds
It's the way that she smiles when as lightly as a feather
She slips her hands into mine
It's these reasons that I can't stop thinking about her
Every moment that we are apart
It's the way that she stepped back into my life
And the way that she's stolen my heart
I know you might disagree with me
Thinking about how I'm so absurd
But before I go on, please continue to read
Let me finish with just these few words
So why this love that overtakes me
And makes me want to shout?
Go ahead, you can tell me I'm crazy
But this is what I'm all about
You can dream what you want
Think you know love and use away all of your charm
You haven't enough
Cause you'll never know love
Until you have held an angel in your arms
Now listen closely and don't turn your head
Think about this and all that you've read
As you read what I write, before I depart
I hope you have caught a glimpse of my heart
For I could find someone to live with
And search the whole world around
But love isn't about who you can live with
It's about who you can't live without
©2010 by Britain Vanderbush
You say and you might ask
I can't give you an answer but my love is true
I promise you that it will last
It's the way that her smile lights up my day
It's the way that I see her eyes shine
It's the feeling I get when she's walking my way
It won't fade away even with time
It's the way that we laugh in those moments together
When nothing else fills our minds
It's the way that she smiles when as lightly as a feather
She slips her hands into mine
It's these reasons that I can't stop thinking about her
Every moment that we are apart
It's the way that she stepped back into my life
And the way that she's stolen my heart
I know you might disagree with me
Thinking about how I'm so absurd
But before I go on, please continue to read
Let me finish with just these few words
So why this love that overtakes me
And makes me want to shout?
Go ahead, you can tell me I'm crazy
But this is what I'm all about
You can dream what you want
Think you know love and use away all of your charm
You haven't enough
Cause you'll never know love
Until you have held an angel in your arms
Now listen closely and don't turn your head
Think about this and all that you've read
As you read what I write, before I depart
I hope you have caught a glimpse of my heart
For I could find someone to live with
And search the whole world around
But love isn't about who you can live with
It's about who you can't live without
©2010 by Britain Vanderbush
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
I've done everything... I fell for her. I love her more than the air I breathe. I want everything I do to shout I love you. As I hope that it has.
Tonight might have been the last night in over a month that I will see her. She is leaving on a cruise this weekend for her Birthday, and by the time she is back, I will probably be in Florida for a few weeks... I wanted to do something special for her before I left. So we got together with Kayla and her mom tonight at Chuy's. We had a great time. A lot of laughing and joking. Telling stories. But my mind was still focused on what would happen when we were done eating. I would walk out to the car and give her the gifts that I bought and made for her. My mind was on her.
Apparently she met some guy at H.E.B. (I know right. Fantastic.) On Valentine's Day, he made her origami flowers and bought her Lindor Chocolates... I don't know what it was, but something made me insane. H.E.B. boy gets discounts on chocolates and he is suddenly her hero. Hooraaaaay! I don't know... I feel like I've been thrown around so much in the last month or so. One minute I was her closest friend, and the next, I'm out to dinner with her and she is texting HEB boy under the table. I don't know... Maybe it's just because I believe that HEB boy will never love her as much as I do. You know those HEB boys... Tisk tisk. Stupid HEB boys. >.<
Anyways... I found out about this and my mind started going crazy. I needed to show her how much I loved her. Hadn't I done that before? I spent about an hour or two drawing her the most beautiful drawing I could do... It was from the Swan Princess. Kayla always told me that when she was little the Swan Princess was her favorite movie. She said she wanted to be Princess Odette. That hasn't left my mind since the moment she told it to me. I needed something beautiful to give her.
I picked up the most perfect piece of paper I could find, got myself a pencil, plugged in my headphones and turned on City Lights. Then I let the rest of me take over. I drew a large circle in the center of the page, then I drew a line across the middle. I erased the bottom part of the circle, the part that was beneath the line. I began to draw the shape of a girl in the center of the circle. By the time I was done, I had a picture of a couple standing together over water, staring at each other in the light of the moon. At the bottom of the picture, in the very center sat a swan in the water. The most beautiful swan I could draw. I created something beautiful. For someone beautiful...
After that I bought her a beautiful dark rose from a glassblowing shop. It was handmade and when I looked at it I thought of her. I had to buy it for her. So I did. Throughout my day, I found things that I wanted to give to her and I placed them in the bag. I finished I finished it off by buying her sour gummy worms and a dozen of her very favorite white roses. I knew that by the end of the day, she would either love me or hate me. But it was something that I wanted to do for her. I love her more than anyone could ever know. Maybe, if you have been reading this you have caught on to my heart. I hope these words might show you how much I love her. Or at least give you a small feel of what it must be like.
At the end of our meal, my dad gave me the keys to the truck and I walked out to find it with Kayla. And even as I write this, I regret not letting this moment last longer. Time goes by too fast. Sometimes we come across a moment and wish that we could let it linger. This was one of them.
My mind plays so many games with me. Telling me what I should have done. Should have said. Telling me that I should have held her longer. Telling me that I should have whispered "I love you" in her ear that moment that I had the chance. Maybe I should have stared into her eyes just a moment longer. Maybe I should have kissed her before we walked away with all of her gifts. Maybes, ifs, should haves, so many things that run through my mind. I was not thinking at the moment that it might be the last time in a while that I would see her. If I was I might have acted differently. I wish... I wish so many things. I wish it could have lasted longer. I loved the look on her face when I pulled out the roses.
"You said you wanted white roses." I said, and smiled.
"Nuh-uh! Did you seriously get me white roses?" She smiled... God, I love that smile. I'd give so much just to see her face light up like that. I love seeing her happy.
I love her... more than life itself. I would die for her. You can't begin to understand what I feel when I'm around her. I love her... With all of my heart... I won't just love her until death. I will love her long after. I wish that she could see... how much I love her. I wish that she could know how much I care. I wish she could see that no one else could ever feel the same way about her. She stole my heart. And she didn't even have to try.
Now it's up to her. I've given so much of me that I feel like I'm fading away. I don't want her to choose to love me. I want her to love me. If you have to choose to love someone then how is it true love. I don't want her to have to choose. I just want her to know. I never chose to love her and I could never choose not to. I don't love her because I chose to. I just love her because I do. Think about that.
Anyways... I'm gonna go get some rest. I have a headache and I need some sleep... Before I go. I want to say one last thing...
Love is not about who you can live with. It's about who you can't live without. I love you. Goodnight.
Tonight might have been the last night in over a month that I will see her. She is leaving on a cruise this weekend for her Birthday, and by the time she is back, I will probably be in Florida for a few weeks... I wanted to do something special for her before I left. So we got together with Kayla and her mom tonight at Chuy's. We had a great time. A lot of laughing and joking. Telling stories. But my mind was still focused on what would happen when we were done eating. I would walk out to the car and give her the gifts that I bought and made for her. My mind was on her.
Apparently she met some guy at H.E.B. (I know right. Fantastic.) On Valentine's Day, he made her origami flowers and bought her Lindor Chocolates... I don't know what it was, but something made me insane. H.E.B. boy gets discounts on chocolates and he is suddenly her hero. Hooraaaaay! I don't know... I feel like I've been thrown around so much in the last month or so. One minute I was her closest friend, and the next, I'm out to dinner with her and she is texting HEB boy under the table. I don't know... Maybe it's just because I believe that HEB boy will never love her as much as I do. You know those HEB boys... Tisk tisk. Stupid HEB boys. >.<
Anyways... I found out about this and my mind started going crazy. I needed to show her how much I loved her. Hadn't I done that before? I spent about an hour or two drawing her the most beautiful drawing I could do... It was from the Swan Princess. Kayla always told me that when she was little the Swan Princess was her favorite movie. She said she wanted to be Princess Odette. That hasn't left my mind since the moment she told it to me. I needed something beautiful to give her.
I picked up the most perfect piece of paper I could find, got myself a pencil, plugged in my headphones and turned on City Lights. Then I let the rest of me take over. I drew a large circle in the center of the page, then I drew a line across the middle. I erased the bottom part of the circle, the part that was beneath the line. I began to draw the shape of a girl in the center of the circle. By the time I was done, I had a picture of a couple standing together over water, staring at each other in the light of the moon. At the bottom of the picture, in the very center sat a swan in the water. The most beautiful swan I could draw. I created something beautiful. For someone beautiful...
After that I bought her a beautiful dark rose from a glassblowing shop. It was handmade and when I looked at it I thought of her. I had to buy it for her. So I did. Throughout my day, I found things that I wanted to give to her and I placed them in the bag. I finished I finished it off by buying her sour gummy worms and a dozen of her very favorite white roses. I knew that by the end of the day, she would either love me or hate me. But it was something that I wanted to do for her. I love her more than anyone could ever know. Maybe, if you have been reading this you have caught on to my heart. I hope these words might show you how much I love her. Or at least give you a small feel of what it must be like.
At the end of our meal, my dad gave me the keys to the truck and I walked out to find it with Kayla. And even as I write this, I regret not letting this moment last longer. Time goes by too fast. Sometimes we come across a moment and wish that we could let it linger. This was one of them.
My mind plays so many games with me. Telling me what I should have done. Should have said. Telling me that I should have held her longer. Telling me that I should have whispered "I love you" in her ear that moment that I had the chance. Maybe I should have stared into her eyes just a moment longer. Maybe I should have kissed her before we walked away with all of her gifts. Maybes, ifs, should haves, so many things that run through my mind. I was not thinking at the moment that it might be the last time in a while that I would see her. If I was I might have acted differently. I wish... I wish so many things. I wish it could have lasted longer. I loved the look on her face when I pulled out the roses.
"You said you wanted white roses." I said, and smiled.
"Nuh-uh! Did you seriously get me white roses?" She smiled... God, I love that smile. I'd give so much just to see her face light up like that. I love seeing her happy.
I love her... more than life itself. I would die for her. You can't begin to understand what I feel when I'm around her. I love her... With all of my heart... I won't just love her until death. I will love her long after. I wish that she could see... how much I love her. I wish that she could know how much I care. I wish she could see that no one else could ever feel the same way about her. She stole my heart. And she didn't even have to try.
Now it's up to her. I've given so much of me that I feel like I'm fading away. I don't want her to choose to love me. I want her to love me. If you have to choose to love someone then how is it true love. I don't want her to have to choose. I just want her to know. I never chose to love her and I could never choose not to. I don't love her because I chose to. I just love her because I do. Think about that.
Anyways... I'm gonna go get some rest. I have a headache and I need some sleep... Before I go. I want to say one last thing...
Love is not about who you can live with. It's about who you can't live without. I love you. Goodnight.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
February 14th, 2010 2:00AM
Here I am. Deep in thought. It's been a long, slow day and I'm still feeling the same way I did when I got out of bed this morning and wrote what I did.
We have talked today and had hilarious conversations. Every text I get from her is greeted with a smile. For the two weeks after she stayed here, we talked on the phone nearly every other night 30 minutes to an hour every time. It has been almost a month since she was here and I have only seen her a few times since then. We haven't talked on the phone (other than text) since before musical. I would relive that week again just to be there. Where we were. Just to feel her slide her hand into mine under the table as we ate at Texas Land & Cattle, and laughed after the waitor mistook us for husband and wife. X) "Maybe someday," She said as she glanced my way. I do wish she would call as often as she used to. I really love hearing her voice.
Alright, alright, I know I'm obsessing. I'll try to move on. For your sake, if not mine. My thoughts get drawn to her so often. Everything reminds me of her...
On to a different subject! You might be wondering why I am up this late, writing about these things. Well. I'll tell you. Today was Kate's 4th Birthday party. :) Yepp. Little Kate is 4 years old now. I went over to Britany and Steve's house for the party, went straight to Kate, said hi and gave her a big birthday hug. Then headed into the kitchen to get some sweet tea and a plate of nice warm pizza before going to sit on the couch and dive into the Ted Dekker book I am reading at the moment. Infidel. Amazing series so far. I am loving all of Ted's writings. I am 45 pages away from the ending and I planned on finishing it by tonight. I might read a little before I hit the hay tonight. :)
After the party and helping Kate open and set up some of her new toys, we went over to my grandparents house and hung out with them for a while. THAT was a total blast! X) I love my grandparents so much. They are amazing. I really need to start spending more time with them. I love them both dearly.
After leaving their house and stopping by Walmart with mom and Sara, we headed home. Well. When we got home, I went up to my room and got on Facebook. A little while later I hear Sara freaking out about something. Well. Turns out my dog decided to be stupid and chase a skunk! My sister let Sasha in the house and now, obviously, my entire house smells like skunk. So mom and I went to Walmart again to buy some stuff that might get the smell out. We got back a little less than an hour ago. This should all explain why I am still awake, writing my blog, while laying on my bedroom floor in a small circle of candles.
Mmmmmmmmmmm... I really love candlelight. :) it is beautiful. I am so fascinated by fire. All the little things. They seem to fascinate me the most.
I'm not really too sure why I'm writing. I guess just to document the moment. :) So here I am, February 14th, 2010, 2:00am. Writing by candlelight. Thinking about something. About someone. Dreaming like the dreamer that I am.
Well I better get to bed. I love you all. Goodnight world. Sleep peacefully.
-Brit
We have talked today and had hilarious conversations. Every text I get from her is greeted with a smile. For the two weeks after she stayed here, we talked on the phone nearly every other night 30 minutes to an hour every time. It has been almost a month since she was here and I have only seen her a few times since then. We haven't talked on the phone (other than text) since before musical. I would relive that week again just to be there. Where we were. Just to feel her slide her hand into mine under the table as we ate at Texas Land & Cattle, and laughed after the waitor mistook us for husband and wife. X) "Maybe someday," She said as she glanced my way. I do wish she would call as often as she used to. I really love hearing her voice.
Alright, alright, I know I'm obsessing. I'll try to move on. For your sake, if not mine. My thoughts get drawn to her so often. Everything reminds me of her...
On to a different subject! You might be wondering why I am up this late, writing about these things. Well. I'll tell you. Today was Kate's 4th Birthday party. :) Yepp. Little Kate is 4 years old now. I went over to Britany and Steve's house for the party, went straight to Kate, said hi and gave her a big birthday hug. Then headed into the kitchen to get some sweet tea and a plate of nice warm pizza before going to sit on the couch and dive into the Ted Dekker book I am reading at the moment. Infidel. Amazing series so far. I am loving all of Ted's writings. I am 45 pages away from the ending and I planned on finishing it by tonight. I might read a little before I hit the hay tonight. :)
After the party and helping Kate open and set up some of her new toys, we went over to my grandparents house and hung out with them for a while. THAT was a total blast! X) I love my grandparents so much. They are amazing. I really need to start spending more time with them. I love them both dearly.
After leaving their house and stopping by Walmart with mom and Sara, we headed home. Well. When we got home, I went up to my room and got on Facebook. A little while later I hear Sara freaking out about something. Well. Turns out my dog decided to be stupid and chase a skunk! My sister let Sasha in the house and now, obviously, my entire house smells like skunk. So mom and I went to Walmart again to buy some stuff that might get the smell out. We got back a little less than an hour ago. This should all explain why I am still awake, writing my blog, while laying on my bedroom floor in a small circle of candles.
Mmmmmmmmmmm... I really love candlelight. :) it is beautiful. I am so fascinated by fire. All the little things. They seem to fascinate me the most.
I'm not really too sure why I'm writing. I guess just to document the moment. :) So here I am, February 14th, 2010, 2:00am. Writing by candlelight. Thinking about something. About someone. Dreaming like the dreamer that I am.
Well I better get to bed. I love you all. Goodnight world. Sleep peacefully.
-Brit
From My Heart
It's crazy how your mind can be in so many places. One minute you're dreaming about life, friends, your future goals; the next minute your mind is stuck on that girl who you love more than you've loved anyone in your entire life. My mind seems to get stuck there quite a lot. I wait to hear from her every morning. I feel my phone buzz multiple times in my pocket throughout the day and hope for the message I am getting to be one from her.
Sure, there are thousands of other girls I could date. They bombard me with texts every day... But I don't want any of them. If I was with someone else, she would still be on my mind. She is always there.
There have been nights that I couldn't sleep at all because I couldn't stop thinking of her. I've sat awake in the kitchen, cooking or eating, trying to find something that will preoccupy my thoughts because I can't stop thinking of her. And some nights, when I do finally find rest, she appears in my dreams. She is always there...
You can call her my obsession. My drug. My heartbeat. Days I spend without her I feel something missing. I feel empty and alone. Something tells me that we were meant to be together. When somebody says "God designed and made a person in this world just for you, to love, to cherish, to protect, and pursue," why is it that my mind always strays to her. She is the only one I love.
Yes, I know this is a sickness. But if you could feel what I feel, you might understand it. You might not. I would live for her and I would die for her. If I had to choose between breathing and loving her, I would use my last breath to say "I love you." If I had to run around the world twice to win her affection, why wouldn't I do it?
To save her life, I would do anything. Because I love her. If I can't have her I might as well be alone. The thought of dating anyone else, being with anyone else, looking at somebody else sickens me. I can not think of it.
Let me tell you that none of this is exaggeration. Only a love stonger than most know.
I see love when I look into her eyes. I know it's true. Can she see the love that I have for her when we look into each others eyes? Can she feel it? If she could know that love, and begin to want it as much as I do, I get the feeling that the world just might spin the way it used to. The way it was meant to. I love her more than the air I breathe. And I'll be crazy for it as long as I live.
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Sure, there are thousands of other girls I could date. They bombard me with texts every day... But I don't want any of them. If I was with someone else, she would still be on my mind. She is always there.
There have been nights that I couldn't sleep at all because I couldn't stop thinking of her. I've sat awake in the kitchen, cooking or eating, trying to find something that will preoccupy my thoughts because I can't stop thinking of her. And some nights, when I do finally find rest, she appears in my dreams. She is always there...
You can call her my obsession. My drug. My heartbeat. Days I spend without her I feel something missing. I feel empty and alone. Something tells me that we were meant to be together. When somebody says "God designed and made a person in this world just for you, to love, to cherish, to protect, and pursue," why is it that my mind always strays to her. She is the only one I love.
Yes, I know this is a sickness. But if you could feel what I feel, you might understand it. You might not. I would live for her and I would die for her. If I had to choose between breathing and loving her, I would use my last breath to say "I love you." If I had to run around the world twice to win her affection, why wouldn't I do it?
To save her life, I would do anything. Because I love her. If I can't have her I might as well be alone. The thought of dating anyone else, being with anyone else, looking at somebody else sickens me. I can not think of it.
Let me tell you that none of this is exaggeration. Only a love stonger than most know.
I see love when I look into her eyes. I know it's true. Can she see the love that I have for her when we look into each others eyes? Can she feel it? If she could know that love, and begin to want it as much as I do, I get the feeling that the world just might spin the way it used to. The way it was meant to. I love her more than the air I breathe. And I'll be crazy for it as long as I live.
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Friday, January 29, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
January 18th, 2010
Here I am... Today seems like it's gonna be a slow day. I was awaken once by a phone call, and twice by my little sister. The first time, she just wanted to hang out and I asked her if I could sleep some more. The second time, she was yelling because granddad was about to fall off his bed.
I got out of bed, slipped on some pants, ran down the stairs and helped him back on his bed... Whoop-tee-do.... After all that, I went upstairs, cleaned up, then sat in my mom and dad's closet and wrote a song for someone. I'm excited about this one in particular, because I think it actually just might mean something to the person that I wrote it for. I need her to hear it. Not a cute little love song, nothing cheesy either. Just something that I think might be important to her when she hears it.
I would have recorded it by now, but my mom took her computer to work, and that's the one that I usually use to record songs.
Didn't have much anything else to do... Just thinking... A lot. I have a lot on my mind. Well. Really just this one little thing. But one little thing that means a lot to me. Just thought I'd get on here and write a little.
Haven't talked to anyone today... Kayla's the only girl I text anymore, and she has a ten hour long rehearsal for Beauty and the Beast today. Either she's not replying for that reason, or she's just sick of me. We'll see... I freaking love that girl.
If I come up with some crazy story a little later, I'll write it here. For now, I'm just going to try and find something productive to do...
Peace out.
-Brit
I got out of bed, slipped on some pants, ran down the stairs and helped him back on his bed... Whoop-tee-do.... After all that, I went upstairs, cleaned up, then sat in my mom and dad's closet and wrote a song for someone. I'm excited about this one in particular, because I think it actually just might mean something to the person that I wrote it for. I need her to hear it. Not a cute little love song, nothing cheesy either. Just something that I think might be important to her when she hears it.
I would have recorded it by now, but my mom took her computer to work, and that's the one that I usually use to record songs.
Didn't have much anything else to do... Just thinking... A lot. I have a lot on my mind. Well. Really just this one little thing. But one little thing that means a lot to me. Just thought I'd get on here and write a little.
Haven't talked to anyone today... Kayla's the only girl I text anymore, and she has a ten hour long rehearsal for Beauty and the Beast today. Either she's not replying for that reason, or she's just sick of me. We'll see... I freaking love that girl.
If I come up with some crazy story a little later, I'll write it here. For now, I'm just going to try and find something productive to do...
Peace out.
-Brit
Friday, January 15, 2010
Last Week
Last week was one of the most memorable weeks of my life. I am loving life and the way things are right now. I am loving love. God has filled me up with these new levels of love, this love that I can't contain. I am finding myself just feeling like I'm falling in love with people that I barely know, because I feel God's heart for them. And that's what I've been asking for. I'll see a stranger on the street, or someone in a wheelchair, and I just have this overwhelming love and compassion for them. I want to run to them and tell them that they are beautiful and that they are loved. Compassion and love are a package deal, I have figured out.
I don't think we realize what a huge deal love is. Love is seeing someone who is broken and hurting, and instead of criticizing them for their mistakes, picking them up and standing beside them until they can smile again. Love is caring for someone the way that God cares for them, His children.
I saw love last Saturday night when Georgian Banov called Amy out of the crowd and had her come up to the front. Amy is a woman in a wheelchair. She really is beautiful. A few years ago she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of a window. Instead of falling and dying, she lived but she was paralyzed. To this day she still can't walk. She gets up every morning, gets in her wheelchair and wheels herself around. Imagine how awful it would be to wake up every day, see that wheelchair and be tortured by a memory so painful. Amy deals with that every day of her life... I can't even imagine how that must be.
But last weekend, Amy found a brand new love. In the middle of the conference at Cathedral of Praise on Satuday night, Georgian called Amy out of the crowd. He told her how much he loved her. He told her that she was his hero. He told her how beautiful she was. With every loving word that he spoke, I could see the tears beginning to form in her eyes. Then Georgian said that he wanted to dance with her. You see... Amy is a widow. There was a lot of love that was missing in her life. But that night, four men lifted her wheelchair up on the stage, Georgian had the band play a slow love song, and he told every husband and wife in the building to hold eachother and dance together. As they did, Georgian slowly pushed Amy around on the stage in her wheelchair, then took her hands and danced with her. It was the first time anyone had danced with her in a very long time. Those tears that had been forming in Amy's eyes before, they began to fall. And she experienced a new love that weekend that has changed her. She hasn't been the same since.
Dad, Sara, and I picked up Georgian Banov from his hotel on the way to Church of the Hills the Wednesday night before last. Heidi Baker flew into Austin for Wednesday night, spoke at Church of the Hills and flew out early Thursday morning. It was absolutely incredible. Heidi is amazing. Georgian is amazing. I loved getting to see lives changed, people go crazy after God, and get to see Heidi speak. But one of the best parts of my night was getting to see Kayla Way for the first time in a long while. I can't explain it. And I can't tell you exactly why I feel the way I do. Ever since I met her, I loved her. I can't stop loving her. And I don't want to.
I could write so much about Wednesday night... On the way out after one of the most crazy amazing services at COTH ever, Kayla and her mom came and asked me if she could possibly stay at our house Saturday night so she could hear Georgian speak at Cathedral of Praise on Sunday. I told her I'd talk to my mom about it. :)
Thursday and Friday were a blast. Besides the fact that I woke up with a sore throat on Friday morning, it was an amazing day. Dad ended up speaking every day at Cathedral of Praise because everybody got confused, and it was fantastic. My sore throat went away later on in the day, but I started to lose my voice.
Rich and Linda were staying in our house that week. They are Georgians daughters husbands parents. Which really makes sense if you think about it. They travel with him and help him out with his conferences. Really sweet people. :) They stayed in my parents room and my mom and dad slept on an airmattres on my sisters floor. Some other pastor guy from New York moved in Thursday night and had nowhere to sleep, so I let him have my bedroom and I slept on the couch. So we had a full house. It was fun though. Very cool people. All of the services were amazing.
Saturday... :) Saturday was just all around amazing. The morning services were great, and I got to go to the mall and hang out with Zach, Joanie, Desiree, and Jon. Soo much fun. :) I love Joanie so much. She is amazing. It's amazing how we've become such good friends over such a short amount of time. We went to the mall and got our picture taken with a panda bear. :D Haha
Me and my dad took Georgian back to his hotel after almost every service. Him and my dad would talk forever and ever. We would get to the hotel and he wouldn't even get out of the car, they would just keep talking. It was fantastic.
Before the Saturday night service, we went and picked Georgian up from his hotel to take him to COP. Kayla and Rina were coming that night and they were already there. There were no seats left so they would be sitting on the floor in the front. I walked into the building, looking for them. Service hadn't started yet, but something huge was going on. Flags were waving in the air and hundreds of people were gathered in the front of the building, dancing and worshiping while somebody was beating a drum very loudly. I found out when I got closer that Amy was in the center of that crowd and they were praying for her to get out of her wheelchair.
Through the crowd, I could see Rina standing up at the front. I climbed up over some chairs and made my way to where she was standing. She smiled and gave me a huge ol' hug. Like she always does. :) Rina is the best. She is honestly one of my favorite people on this planet. She probably knew as soon as she saw me that I was wondering where Kayla was. She pointed over to the crowd and Kayla was standing there, worshiping. I smiled when I saw her. I always think she is so beautiful for some reason. Even when she's jumping around with her arms covered in paint. Paint?
She turned around and saw me. God, I love to see her eyes light up light that. She ran to me and wrapped her arms around my neck and I picked her up and spun her around. I'd relive that moment every day, just to see the look on her face when she saw me that night. God, I love her... Possibly. More than just about anything in this entire world. I said I'd spend half of eternity waiting for her. Even now, eight months after I said it, I still believe it. Somehow. It's love.
Saturday night was the night that Georgian danced with Amy. My mind was going crazy that entire time because I wanted to ask Kayla to dance with me. I really should have. I know we'll have other chances in the future. That was a beautiful moment. Every time I think about it, though, I wonder how much more beautiful it would have been if she was in my arms instead of sitting next to me. We'll dance together again. I know it.
For some reason, about halfway through this song, I felt like I should dance with Rina. I didn't know what it was, I just had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to dance with her. I'm pretty darn sure that it was a God feeling. I turned around and saw that she was standing alone, worshiping, while everyone else was dancing with a loved one. I walked over to her, put one hand around her waist, and took her right hand in my left and said, "I'm going to dance with you." So we danced. After a few steps I noticed she looked like she was about to cry. She was happy, smiling, but looked like she was about to cry. I could see God doing something in her. She slowly began to fall to the floor. She lowered her down onto her knees where she stayed on the floor and sobbed for quite some time. I prayed for her and went back to sit near Kayla. The love of God like totally whacked Rina. Since those services, she hasn't completely been the same. Rina is one of my favorite people in this world. :) Her and her daughter both. I love them so so dearly.
Somehow I ended up sitting on the front row in between Georgian and my sister. He reached his arm around me, held my face into his chest, almost in a headlock, and just loved on me. For like 5-10 minutes, he just held onto me and my sister in his arms and told us that he loved us. He kissed us on our heads. I just felt this crazy love that I had never really felt before.
After a while, I let Kayla have the chair so she wouldn't have to sit on the floor anymore. Georgian loved on her. :) And for a long time, she got to sit with her Papa Banov. It was a beautiful night.
Kayla stayed with us that night, and on the way home we had to drop off Papa Banov at his hotel. Kayla and I sat in the back of the suburban and everyone else sat in the front. Saturday was the first time in a long while that I took Kayla's hand in mine. But not the first time in a long while that I felt what I always feel when I think about her. Love. I can't explain "why her." or "why her and not any other girl. Why can't I love any other girl like that?" I don't know... But I've never felt this way about any other girl. A year ago today I had the same thoughts and feelings washing over me every living moment. Even now I find it hard for me to stop thinking about her. Truth is, if I had the chance to give my life for her, I would. If I had to walk the length of the earth for her, I believe I'd do it. If I had to bleed myself dry for her, I would. Because honestly, there is no girl in this world right now that I would rather spend every moment with. There is no other girl who's eyes I want to look into twenty-four hours a day. There is no girl in this world that I want to be with more than her. I love her. With all my heart.
And that night when I took her hand, that night when I picked her up and spun her around, that night when I looked into her eyes... I believed all of what I just said more than ever. There is no one else.
I will always love her. I will always be there for her. And even if just as a friend, I will always be standing by her side to tell her how much I love her, how I would die for her, how I would help her through any problem and any issue. I will always be there. I'll always be waiting for the day that she sees that I'm right here. And I honestly believe that I love her more than any human being ever could. I will always love her... always... always... always... always... always... all ways...
That night, we drove home and went into the house. I showed Kayla my bedroom where I was letting her sleep for the night. I would be staying on the couch. For a long while we stayed up in my room and talked. About life. About word that had been spoken over us. About things that needed to be talked about. We laid on my bed and talked until my mom came in and made me leave the room. I hugged her good night, got some clothes to wear the next day, and slipped out of the bedroom door. I wonder if she knew that she was on my mind the rest of the night. That I could hardly sleep, partly because of my throat, but mostly because I couldn't get my mind off of her. I spent my night in the kitchen, eating and drinking just about whatever I could find.
I got a little bit of sleep, eventually, then laid on the couch, watching the light from the rising sun taking the place of the dark shadows on the white wall above me. The sun finally came up and I began to hear noises in the house. People getting ready for church. I got up and distracted myself until everyone was ready, then finally went upstairs to grab a shirt out of my bedroom. I pushed open the cracked bedroom door to see Kayla sitting cross legged on the floor, doing her make up. God, did she look beautiful.
I smiled, "Hey."
"Hey."
"How did you sleep?" I asked, while reaching for my shirt off the back of the desk chair.
"Good," She said, still focused on putting on her makeup perfectly. Which she really didn't need to do. She was gorgeous.
"I love that bed," I said in a hoarse voice. I lost my voice a day or two before that and I was still getting it back.
I had to repeat what I said a couple of times before she could understand it.
"It's comfy." She said with a smile.
I walked out and went into the bathroom to change and brush my teeth. I pulled off my shirt as soon as I walked out the door, and slipped on the dark, long sleeve button up that I got for Christmas, leaving it unbuttoned while I brushed my teeth. Sprayed on some cologne, and opened the door to head downstairs. Kayla was standing at the top of the stairs. I walked toward her, and before I could button my shirt, she wrapped her arms around me. So I wrapped mine around hers and held her for a moment. I love those moments more than just about anything... Her hair or something about her smelled really good.
"Mmm. You smell really good." Right after I said it I realized that we both said the same thing at the same time.
"And you do look really cute." we both laughed and smiled. It was the perfect way to get up in the morning. :)
I didn't want to make her sit in the back of the suburban all alone and she refused to sit in the front, so I sat with her in the back again. We picked up Georgian and went to church, which was totally completely awesome and amazing. :))))
After church, we went to lunch with Georgian at Texas Land and Cattle. :) That was a blast. Despite feeling a little sick, it was one of the best weekends ever. I really would relive it again if I could.
When the waiter came to order our food, he looks at Kayla and says, "Now what can I get for you and your husband."
She TOTALLY freaked out and we all died laughing. XD lol
The waiter said he was sorry and said, "Maybe one day?"
Kayla looks at me, smiles and says, "Maybe one day."
It made my day. We had some pretty hilarious conversations after that. It was just an all around amazing weekend.
Said goodbye to Kayla and her mom, and took Georgian to the airport. I still can't get her face out of my mind, the last time I saw her. We were standing in the parking lot and I held her for a little while.
"When am I going to see you again?" she asked.
"I don't know... Hopefully soon. I don't get to see you enough."
I kissed her on the forehead and let her go. She disappeared around the back of the suburban, and the last time I saw her she was getting in the car with her mom. I haven't been able to get her off my mind since then.
I know nobody reads this, so I'm just writing this for me... So I can read over it in the future. All of this stuff is really important to me. Really.
We took Georgian to the airport, and I helped him with his luggage. He gave us all huge hugs before he left. The people at the airport thought I was his son. Funny. I got confused for Kayla's husband and Georgian's son all in one day. Haha :) It was pretty great.
Anyways... Last week was just amazing. I would live it all again.
Today, it is Sunday, January 17th 2010. I started writing this a day or two ago, but wasn't feeling too well, so I saved is as a draft and I'm finishing it now. I just realized how much I write. I just wrote a book here. lol
Anyways... The next few things I write should be shorter. So don't worry.
I was supposed to go see Avatar at the IMAX theater downtown in 3D today with Kayla and her family, but I couldn't get tickets... when I tried they were all sold out. I still wish that would have worked. I know it was just a week ago today, but it feels like it has been an eternity since I've seen her. Anyways... I'm gonna stop writing now and go play guitar or something. Gotta get ready for the new season of 24 to start tonight. :) Sweet dreams, world. Talk to ya later.
-Brit
Thank you, God... For everything.
I don't think we realize what a huge deal love is. Love is seeing someone who is broken and hurting, and instead of criticizing them for their mistakes, picking them up and standing beside them until they can smile again. Love is caring for someone the way that God cares for them, His children.
I saw love last Saturday night when Georgian Banov called Amy out of the crowd and had her come up to the front. Amy is a woman in a wheelchair. She really is beautiful. A few years ago she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of a window. Instead of falling and dying, she lived but she was paralyzed. To this day she still can't walk. She gets up every morning, gets in her wheelchair and wheels herself around. Imagine how awful it would be to wake up every day, see that wheelchair and be tortured by a memory so painful. Amy deals with that every day of her life... I can't even imagine how that must be.
But last weekend, Amy found a brand new love. In the middle of the conference at Cathedral of Praise on Satuday night, Georgian called Amy out of the crowd. He told her how much he loved her. He told her that she was his hero. He told her how beautiful she was. With every loving word that he spoke, I could see the tears beginning to form in her eyes. Then Georgian said that he wanted to dance with her. You see... Amy is a widow. There was a lot of love that was missing in her life. But that night, four men lifted her wheelchair up on the stage, Georgian had the band play a slow love song, and he told every husband and wife in the building to hold eachother and dance together. As they did, Georgian slowly pushed Amy around on the stage in her wheelchair, then took her hands and danced with her. It was the first time anyone had danced with her in a very long time. Those tears that had been forming in Amy's eyes before, they began to fall. And she experienced a new love that weekend that has changed her. She hasn't been the same since.
Dad, Sara, and I picked up Georgian Banov from his hotel on the way to Church of the Hills the Wednesday night before last. Heidi Baker flew into Austin for Wednesday night, spoke at Church of the Hills and flew out early Thursday morning. It was absolutely incredible. Heidi is amazing. Georgian is amazing. I loved getting to see lives changed, people go crazy after God, and get to see Heidi speak. But one of the best parts of my night was getting to see Kayla Way for the first time in a long while. I can't explain it. And I can't tell you exactly why I feel the way I do. Ever since I met her, I loved her. I can't stop loving her. And I don't want to.
I could write so much about Wednesday night... On the way out after one of the most crazy amazing services at COTH ever, Kayla and her mom came and asked me if she could possibly stay at our house Saturday night so she could hear Georgian speak at Cathedral of Praise on Sunday. I told her I'd talk to my mom about it. :)
Thursday and Friday were a blast. Besides the fact that I woke up with a sore throat on Friday morning, it was an amazing day. Dad ended up speaking every day at Cathedral of Praise because everybody got confused, and it was fantastic. My sore throat went away later on in the day, but I started to lose my voice.
Rich and Linda were staying in our house that week. They are Georgians daughters husbands parents. Which really makes sense if you think about it. They travel with him and help him out with his conferences. Really sweet people. :) They stayed in my parents room and my mom and dad slept on an airmattres on my sisters floor. Some other pastor guy from New York moved in Thursday night and had nowhere to sleep, so I let him have my bedroom and I slept on the couch. So we had a full house. It was fun though. Very cool people. All of the services were amazing.
Saturday... :) Saturday was just all around amazing. The morning services were great, and I got to go to the mall and hang out with Zach, Joanie, Desiree, and Jon. Soo much fun. :) I love Joanie so much. She is amazing. It's amazing how we've become such good friends over such a short amount of time. We went to the mall and got our picture taken with a panda bear. :D Haha
Me and my dad took Georgian back to his hotel after almost every service. Him and my dad would talk forever and ever. We would get to the hotel and he wouldn't even get out of the car, they would just keep talking. It was fantastic.
Before the Saturday night service, we went and picked Georgian up from his hotel to take him to COP. Kayla and Rina were coming that night and they were already there. There were no seats left so they would be sitting on the floor in the front. I walked into the building, looking for them. Service hadn't started yet, but something huge was going on. Flags were waving in the air and hundreds of people were gathered in the front of the building, dancing and worshiping while somebody was beating a drum very loudly. I found out when I got closer that Amy was in the center of that crowd and they were praying for her to get out of her wheelchair.
Through the crowd, I could see Rina standing up at the front. I climbed up over some chairs and made my way to where she was standing. She smiled and gave me a huge ol' hug. Like she always does. :) Rina is the best. She is honestly one of my favorite people on this planet. She probably knew as soon as she saw me that I was wondering where Kayla was. She pointed over to the crowd and Kayla was standing there, worshiping. I smiled when I saw her. I always think she is so beautiful for some reason. Even when she's jumping around with her arms covered in paint. Paint?
She turned around and saw me. God, I love to see her eyes light up light that. She ran to me and wrapped her arms around my neck and I picked her up and spun her around. I'd relive that moment every day, just to see the look on her face when she saw me that night. God, I love her... Possibly. More than just about anything in this entire world. I said I'd spend half of eternity waiting for her. Even now, eight months after I said it, I still believe it. Somehow. It's love.
Saturday night was the night that Georgian danced with Amy. My mind was going crazy that entire time because I wanted to ask Kayla to dance with me. I really should have. I know we'll have other chances in the future. That was a beautiful moment. Every time I think about it, though, I wonder how much more beautiful it would have been if she was in my arms instead of sitting next to me. We'll dance together again. I know it.
For some reason, about halfway through this song, I felt like I should dance with Rina. I didn't know what it was, I just had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to dance with her. I'm pretty darn sure that it was a God feeling. I turned around and saw that she was standing alone, worshiping, while everyone else was dancing with a loved one. I walked over to her, put one hand around her waist, and took her right hand in my left and said, "I'm going to dance with you." So we danced. After a few steps I noticed she looked like she was about to cry. She was happy, smiling, but looked like she was about to cry. I could see God doing something in her. She slowly began to fall to the floor. She lowered her down onto her knees where she stayed on the floor and sobbed for quite some time. I prayed for her and went back to sit near Kayla. The love of God like totally whacked Rina. Since those services, she hasn't completely been the same. Rina is one of my favorite people in this world. :) Her and her daughter both. I love them so so dearly.
Somehow I ended up sitting on the front row in between Georgian and my sister. He reached his arm around me, held my face into his chest, almost in a headlock, and just loved on me. For like 5-10 minutes, he just held onto me and my sister in his arms and told us that he loved us. He kissed us on our heads. I just felt this crazy love that I had never really felt before.
After a while, I let Kayla have the chair so she wouldn't have to sit on the floor anymore. Georgian loved on her. :) And for a long time, she got to sit with her Papa Banov. It was a beautiful night.
Kayla stayed with us that night, and on the way home we had to drop off Papa Banov at his hotel. Kayla and I sat in the back of the suburban and everyone else sat in the front. Saturday was the first time in a long while that I took Kayla's hand in mine. But not the first time in a long while that I felt what I always feel when I think about her. Love. I can't explain "why her." or "why her and not any other girl. Why can't I love any other girl like that?" I don't know... But I've never felt this way about any other girl. A year ago today I had the same thoughts and feelings washing over me every living moment. Even now I find it hard for me to stop thinking about her. Truth is, if I had the chance to give my life for her, I would. If I had to walk the length of the earth for her, I believe I'd do it. If I had to bleed myself dry for her, I would. Because honestly, there is no girl in this world right now that I would rather spend every moment with. There is no other girl who's eyes I want to look into twenty-four hours a day. There is no girl in this world that I want to be with more than her. I love her. With all my heart.
And that night when I took her hand, that night when I picked her up and spun her around, that night when I looked into her eyes... I believed all of what I just said more than ever. There is no one else.
I will always love her. I will always be there for her. And even if just as a friend, I will always be standing by her side to tell her how much I love her, how I would die for her, how I would help her through any problem and any issue. I will always be there. I'll always be waiting for the day that she sees that I'm right here. And I honestly believe that I love her more than any human being ever could. I will always love her... always... always... always... always... always... all ways...
That night, we drove home and went into the house. I showed Kayla my bedroom where I was letting her sleep for the night. I would be staying on the couch. For a long while we stayed up in my room and talked. About life. About word that had been spoken over us. About things that needed to be talked about. We laid on my bed and talked until my mom came in and made me leave the room. I hugged her good night, got some clothes to wear the next day, and slipped out of the bedroom door. I wonder if she knew that she was on my mind the rest of the night. That I could hardly sleep, partly because of my throat, but mostly because I couldn't get my mind off of her. I spent my night in the kitchen, eating and drinking just about whatever I could find.
I got a little bit of sleep, eventually, then laid on the couch, watching the light from the rising sun taking the place of the dark shadows on the white wall above me. The sun finally came up and I began to hear noises in the house. People getting ready for church. I got up and distracted myself until everyone was ready, then finally went upstairs to grab a shirt out of my bedroom. I pushed open the cracked bedroom door to see Kayla sitting cross legged on the floor, doing her make up. God, did she look beautiful.
I smiled, "Hey."
"Hey."
"How did you sleep?" I asked, while reaching for my shirt off the back of the desk chair.
"Good," She said, still focused on putting on her makeup perfectly. Which she really didn't need to do. She was gorgeous.
"I love that bed," I said in a hoarse voice. I lost my voice a day or two before that and I was still getting it back.
I had to repeat what I said a couple of times before she could understand it.
"It's comfy." She said with a smile.
I walked out and went into the bathroom to change and brush my teeth. I pulled off my shirt as soon as I walked out the door, and slipped on the dark, long sleeve button up that I got for Christmas, leaving it unbuttoned while I brushed my teeth. Sprayed on some cologne, and opened the door to head downstairs. Kayla was standing at the top of the stairs. I walked toward her, and before I could button my shirt, she wrapped her arms around me. So I wrapped mine around hers and held her for a moment. I love those moments more than just about anything... Her hair or something about her smelled really good.
"Mmm. You smell really good." Right after I said it I realized that we both said the same thing at the same time.
"And you do look really cute." we both laughed and smiled. It was the perfect way to get up in the morning. :)
I didn't want to make her sit in the back of the suburban all alone and she refused to sit in the front, so I sat with her in the back again. We picked up Georgian and went to church, which was totally completely awesome and amazing. :))))
After church, we went to lunch with Georgian at Texas Land and Cattle. :) That was a blast. Despite feeling a little sick, it was one of the best weekends ever. I really would relive it again if I could.
When the waiter came to order our food, he looks at Kayla and says, "Now what can I get for you and your husband."
She TOTALLY freaked out and we all died laughing. XD lol
The waiter said he was sorry and said, "Maybe one day?"
Kayla looks at me, smiles and says, "Maybe one day."
It made my day. We had some pretty hilarious conversations after that. It was just an all around amazing weekend.
Said goodbye to Kayla and her mom, and took Georgian to the airport. I still can't get her face out of my mind, the last time I saw her. We were standing in the parking lot and I held her for a little while.
"When am I going to see you again?" she asked.
"I don't know... Hopefully soon. I don't get to see you enough."
I kissed her on the forehead and let her go. She disappeared around the back of the suburban, and the last time I saw her she was getting in the car with her mom. I haven't been able to get her off my mind since then.
I know nobody reads this, so I'm just writing this for me... So I can read over it in the future. All of this stuff is really important to me. Really.
We took Georgian to the airport, and I helped him with his luggage. He gave us all huge hugs before he left. The people at the airport thought I was his son. Funny. I got confused for Kayla's husband and Georgian's son all in one day. Haha :) It was pretty great.
Anyways... Last week was just amazing. I would live it all again.
Today, it is Sunday, January 17th 2010. I started writing this a day or two ago, but wasn't feeling too well, so I saved is as a draft and I'm finishing it now. I just realized how much I write. I just wrote a book here. lol
Anyways... The next few things I write should be shorter. So don't worry.
I was supposed to go see Avatar at the IMAX theater downtown in 3D today with Kayla and her family, but I couldn't get tickets... when I tried they were all sold out. I still wish that would have worked. I know it was just a week ago today, but it feels like it has been an eternity since I've seen her. Anyways... I'm gonna stop writing now and go play guitar or something. Gotta get ready for the new season of 24 to start tonight. :) Sweet dreams, world. Talk to ya later.
-Brit
Thank you, God... For everything.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I am FANTASTIC! :) I love my life and the people who are in it. Happy New Year!
So here I am again. :) It's a beautiful time in my life. So many things are just perfect and I am feeling fantastic! I recently decided that fantastic is one of my new favorite words, just because it fits the description of me and the way I'm feeling right now so well. I... Am absolutely fantastic. :)
SO! It's been a while since I've blogged, so I'll fill you in on the last month or two of my life, before moving on to this last week and why I am feeling so FANTASTIC!
November 24Th 2009, Olivia Belle Dooley came into the world. :) My beautiful, baby cousin. I went to the hospital a day or so after she was born, and the first time I held her I felt like I was in heaven. That's a weird way to put it, my I've never just absolutely loved a little baby like that just seconds after seeing her. I just wanted to hold her and stare at her little newborn face forever. She is so perfect. So beautiful. I love Olivia Belle. I originally tried to get them to name her Olivia Love. Which I think really fits her still. :) But Kate wanted to name her Olivia Belle, and I guess the big sister vote wins over the cousins. Haha Still a cute name. :) Olivia Belle... I like it.
December 19Th, 2009 was an amazing day. :) The day of our Christmas party at the Reed's, where we are still living. I went out on the Reed's riding lawnmower the day before and cleared the field so cars could park out there for the party.
We spent the day decorating and getting ready, setting up chairs, moving furniture, cleaning the house, and giving people directions. We put out an event thing on Facebook and surprisingly (Actually not so much since my dad knows everybody in the world) sixty or seventy people showed up. Possibly more. It was pretty darn crowded. Probably one of the biggest and best parties that I think we've ever had. :)
The party started at 5pm. We had soft Christmas music playing throughout the house as people came in. TONS of people brought food, so the kitchen was full and we had leftovers weeks after the party.
Caroline Rademachir and Steven Eldridge had some trouble getting there, but they eventually found the place. I hung out with them a ton that night. :) It was quite a blast. Me, Aaron, Austin, Kayla, Caroline, Steven, Ben, and Nathan went down to the river and lit a camp fire with WD40 and lighter fluid.
Steven, Caroline, and I went back to the house after a little while, ate, and laid on my bed. Steven was laying on my left, and Caroline was on the right with her arm around me. We talked for a long time, while listening to Seth and Melody lead everyone into worship downstairs. It was beautiful.
Caroline and I got to talk about some personal stuff together that we hadn't talked about in a while, which was really nice. :) I love Caroline so much. She's like my big sister. Wish I got to see her more often. She's leaving for Australia next year to go to Hillsong. I'm gonna miss her soo freaking much!!!!
I was hoping to get to spend more time with Kayla that night, but she stayed downstairs most of the night... I felt bad since she was alone, so I went down to talk to her. I don't know what was up with her that night, but she wouldn't tell me. I'm glad we've grown a lot closer since then. I love her so very much.
Christmas 2009 was very interesting... A good/interesting kind of interesting. Britany went into the hospital twice that week. Once the Thursday before Christmas, and once on Christmas day. I felt so sorry for her when they had to call an ambulance to come pick her up while we were eating Christmas lunch. I love Britany like crazy. She is my aunt, but she'll always be like a big sister to me. I was sorry to see that happen to her.
I got some cool stuff for Christmas, including the Relient K cd that I wanted, a Borders gift card that I used to buy The Hunger Games and New Moon, and Kiss by Ted Dekker! Which is what I'm reading right now. Super good book! And it all takes place in Austin which is pretty darn cool.
OOH! And I'm going to the Gathering 2.0 this year on April 24th! (Thank you, Zuckers!!!) I'll actually get to meet Ted Dekker! :) I am super crazy excited. Been talking to his daughter Kara on Facebook a little bit and she is super cool.
Christmas night was fun. :) Britany ended up staying in the hospital overnight, so mom and Sara ended up staying at their house to take care of Kate and Olivia. We got home, grandma and granddad went to bed straight away (like normal) so dad and I were left alone in the house, doing nothing on Christmas night.
After sitting around for a while, working on various things, we remembered that Sherlock Holmes came out that night. We had nothing else to do, so we thought we'd go see if any theaters around had any tickets left. We checked two theaters. The first one was sold out and we got tickets at the Tinseltown across the street. Some of the last tickets too! It was AMAZING!!! And pretty hilarious at times. Great film. I've seen it twice now and I loved it both times. Robert Downey Jr. is amazing.
On our way to the car, dad and I had the weirdest, most hilarious conversation. Now that I think about it, it wasn't very funny, but we couldn't help laughing that night. Maybe it was the joy that comes with Christmas that made us so darn happy. :) Who knows. I love spending time with my dad.
This is something close to how the conversation went.
"God, it's cold out here."
"It sure is. You know what your great grandmother would say if she was here? 'Colder than a witches titty in a snowstorm.'"
"What the heck??!" XD
"Oh, yeah! She said that one year at Christmas, and your grandpa and I nearly died laughing. I guess witches tits get pretty cold."
"How is that possible? I mean, since they're standing over those boiling pots all day. I'd think they'd be hot if anything."
Then we both just died laughing! It was the besstttt!!! XD lol
Anyways. Christmas was pretty fantastic. Spending it alone, without someone to hold... now that wasn't too fantastic. But... Nevertheless, it was a lovely Christmas. :)
Did nothing for New Years. Tried to make it to the Holcomb's New Years party, but ended up staying at Brit and Steve's house instead, holding and feeding Olivia. We stayed at their house for about a week around New years since Britany was still in the hospital. Steve was staying there with her too, so we stayed at their house to take care of the kids. After we got Kate and Olivia to sleep, dad, mom, and I watched Twilight. I actually thought it was really good! It was much better than I had expected after hearing so many bad comments about it. But I actually thought it was pretty good.
I had just finished reading the Twilight book and was reading New Moon at the time. Great books1 I still need to get the rest of the series. They are actually quite addicting.
Aunt Carol, and cousins, Erin, Lisa, and Jean, came into town right after New Years and stayed with us. That was a blast as well. :) And boooyyyyyy can aunt carol cook! They are fun to have around. :) Went to the River Walk with them.
Well. :) A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I tried to fill you in on as many details as I could without making this too long to read. Not sure if I succeeded there or not. Haha
Tomorrow I'll try to remember to get back on and tell you why I am feeling so fantastic. :) Part of it has to do with someone that I care about dearly.
Love you all! Be back soon. :)
-Britain
SO! It's been a while since I've blogged, so I'll fill you in on the last month or two of my life, before moving on to this last week and why I am feeling so FANTASTIC!
November 24Th 2009, Olivia Belle Dooley came into the world. :) My beautiful, baby cousin. I went to the hospital a day or so after she was born, and the first time I held her I felt like I was in heaven. That's a weird way to put it, my I've never just absolutely loved a little baby like that just seconds after seeing her. I just wanted to hold her and stare at her little newborn face forever. She is so perfect. So beautiful. I love Olivia Belle. I originally tried to get them to name her Olivia Love. Which I think really fits her still. :) But Kate wanted to name her Olivia Belle, and I guess the big sister vote wins over the cousins. Haha Still a cute name. :) Olivia Belle... I like it.
December 19Th, 2009 was an amazing day. :) The day of our Christmas party at the Reed's, where we are still living. I went out on the Reed's riding lawnmower the day before and cleared the field so cars could park out there for the party.
We spent the day decorating and getting ready, setting up chairs, moving furniture, cleaning the house, and giving people directions. We put out an event thing on Facebook and surprisingly (Actually not so much since my dad knows everybody in the world) sixty or seventy people showed up. Possibly more. It was pretty darn crowded. Probably one of the biggest and best parties that I think we've ever had. :)
The party started at 5pm. We had soft Christmas music playing throughout the house as people came in. TONS of people brought food, so the kitchen was full and we had leftovers weeks after the party.
Caroline Rademachir and Steven Eldridge had some trouble getting there, but they eventually found the place. I hung out with them a ton that night. :) It was quite a blast. Me, Aaron, Austin, Kayla, Caroline, Steven, Ben, and Nathan went down to the river and lit a camp fire with WD40 and lighter fluid.
Steven, Caroline, and I went back to the house after a little while, ate, and laid on my bed. Steven was laying on my left, and Caroline was on the right with her arm around me. We talked for a long time, while listening to Seth and Melody lead everyone into worship downstairs. It was beautiful.
Caroline and I got to talk about some personal stuff together that we hadn't talked about in a while, which was really nice. :) I love Caroline so much. She's like my big sister. Wish I got to see her more often. She's leaving for Australia next year to go to Hillsong. I'm gonna miss her soo freaking much!!!!
I was hoping to get to spend more time with Kayla that night, but she stayed downstairs most of the night... I felt bad since she was alone, so I went down to talk to her. I don't know what was up with her that night, but she wouldn't tell me. I'm glad we've grown a lot closer since then. I love her so very much.
Christmas 2009 was very interesting... A good/interesting kind of interesting. Britany went into the hospital twice that week. Once the Thursday before Christmas, and once on Christmas day. I felt so sorry for her when they had to call an ambulance to come pick her up while we were eating Christmas lunch. I love Britany like crazy. She is my aunt, but she'll always be like a big sister to me. I was sorry to see that happen to her.
I got some cool stuff for Christmas, including the Relient K cd that I wanted, a Borders gift card that I used to buy The Hunger Games and New Moon, and Kiss by Ted Dekker! Which is what I'm reading right now. Super good book! And it all takes place in Austin which is pretty darn cool.
OOH! And I'm going to the Gathering 2.0 this year on April 24th! (Thank you, Zuckers!!!) I'll actually get to meet Ted Dekker! :) I am super crazy excited. Been talking to his daughter Kara on Facebook a little bit and she is super cool.
Christmas night was fun. :) Britany ended up staying in the hospital overnight, so mom and Sara ended up staying at their house to take care of Kate and Olivia. We got home, grandma and granddad went to bed straight away (like normal) so dad and I were left alone in the house, doing nothing on Christmas night.
After sitting around for a while, working on various things, we remembered that Sherlock Holmes came out that night. We had nothing else to do, so we thought we'd go see if any theaters around had any tickets left. We checked two theaters. The first one was sold out and we got tickets at the Tinseltown across the street. Some of the last tickets too! It was AMAZING!!! And pretty hilarious at times. Great film. I've seen it twice now and I loved it both times. Robert Downey Jr. is amazing.
On our way to the car, dad and I had the weirdest, most hilarious conversation. Now that I think about it, it wasn't very funny, but we couldn't help laughing that night. Maybe it was the joy that comes with Christmas that made us so darn happy. :) Who knows. I love spending time with my dad.
This is something close to how the conversation went.
"God, it's cold out here."
"It sure is. You know what your great grandmother would say if she was here? 'Colder than a witches titty in a snowstorm.'"
"What the heck??!" XD
"Oh, yeah! She said that one year at Christmas, and your grandpa and I nearly died laughing. I guess witches tits get pretty cold."
"How is that possible? I mean, since they're standing over those boiling pots all day. I'd think they'd be hot if anything."
Then we both just died laughing! It was the besstttt!!! XD lol
Anyways. Christmas was pretty fantastic. Spending it alone, without someone to hold... now that wasn't too fantastic. But... Nevertheless, it was a lovely Christmas. :)
Did nothing for New Years. Tried to make it to the Holcomb's New Years party, but ended up staying at Brit and Steve's house instead, holding and feeding Olivia. We stayed at their house for about a week around New years since Britany was still in the hospital. Steve was staying there with her too, so we stayed at their house to take care of the kids. After we got Kate and Olivia to sleep, dad, mom, and I watched Twilight. I actually thought it was really good! It was much better than I had expected after hearing so many bad comments about it. But I actually thought it was pretty good.
I had just finished reading the Twilight book and was reading New Moon at the time. Great books1 I still need to get the rest of the series. They are actually quite addicting.
Aunt Carol, and cousins, Erin, Lisa, and Jean, came into town right after New Years and stayed with us. That was a blast as well. :) And boooyyyyyy can aunt carol cook! They are fun to have around. :) Went to the River Walk with them.
Well. :) A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I tried to fill you in on as many details as I could without making this too long to read. Not sure if I succeeded there or not. Haha
Tomorrow I'll try to remember to get back on and tell you why I am feeling so fantastic. :) Part of it has to do with someone that I care about dearly.
Love you all! Be back soon. :)
-Britain
It's Beautiful
The stars don't block my view of the sky
They give me something more to see
They closed up the door to my mind
But opening it I found was up to me
The plains they roll
The mountains sing
They reach into the clouds
It's a beautiful thing
And the stars come out
To shine down on me
In this field of gold I find your love for me
It's beautiful the songs we sing
When I your son met you my King
I fell in love with your everything
I'll spend my life in your presence
There's nowhere else I want to be
Your creation shows your beauty
Your love it shows your heart
I sing to be in your presence
The world can't take us apart
Your love for me like the oceans wide
You cleansed my hands and you stole my pride
You loved me just for who I am
And I'll never turn away
It's beautiful the songs we sing
When we your sons meet you our King
We fall in love with your everything
We spend our lives in your presence
Shine down on me
They give me something more to see
They closed up the door to my mind
But opening it I found was up to me
The plains they roll
The mountains sing
They reach into the clouds
It's a beautiful thing
And the stars come out
To shine down on me
In this field of gold I find your love for me
It's beautiful the songs we sing
When I your son met you my King
I fell in love with your everything
I'll spend my life in your presence
There's nowhere else I want to be
Your creation shows your beauty
Your love it shows your heart
I sing to be in your presence
The world can't take us apart
Your love for me like the oceans wide
You cleansed my hands and you stole my pride
You loved me just for who I am
And I'll never turn away
It's beautiful the songs we sing
When we your sons meet you our King
We fall in love with your everything
We spend our lives in your presence
Shine down on me
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